New Fashions From Paris

This week in Paris, designers unveiled their fall/winter ready-to-wear collections. Here are some of the highlights:

We start off with a few cute numbers by Japanese designer Junya Watanabe. She seems to be into covering up women's faces.

With this one, Junya kicks it up a notch by covering every square inch of the face and neck. I wonder if you have to buy it all as one piece, or if you could just buy the head dress, because I'm not too fond of the jacket, but the black deal covering her head is a stunner. Ready-to-wear indeed!

Now with this one, she left the neck exposed, but she did hide a soccer ball in the head piece. Junya is one cagey son-of-a-bitch.

Next we have 2 pieces by Jeremy Scott. The first one here is great. I can't even count how many times I've walked into a place and saw drapes I wish I could wear.

Then he steps it up with the 'ol frame-head design. Let me just say, it's about time. There's already rumblings that next year Jeremy Scott will break out his long awaited Linoleum Collection.

This year in Paris there seemed to be a calling for large pieces on or about the head. And Martin Margiela did not disappoint...
Here is another Margiela creation, and again, it's super fucked up.

We finally move to Vivienne Westwood. We only get a small taste of the dress, but I'm pretty sure that's all we need. This is what I imagine someone might look like after they are abducted, kept hostage in a cage, then finally released 6 months later.

Don't worry, by the time these fashions make it to the United States, they will look more like this:

PETA Demonstration In Australia

Yesterday there was a PETA Demonstration In Australia. Here are some photos:

Brazil's National Underwear Day

Yesterday, Brazil celebrated National Underwear Day. Here are some photos:

Brazil - Brazil - Brazil - Brazil

Brazil - Brazil - Brazil - Brazil

Brazil - Brazil - Brazil - Brazil

And for all you straight women out there...

My Surly Coworker Again

My surly coworker has a thing about the end of the world. He's not a religious freak who thinks God's going to end the world, he just thinks the end is coming, and he'll soon be up on his land in a gun tower protecting his booze with his shotgun.

He can be heard saying, "We're all gonna die" on any given day, so it wasn't too surprising when he broke out with, "Every morning I go outside, look around, and think, why aren't you all dead!"

Odd Peeing Aid

I recently Stumbled across a site advertising a unique item for women. It is an item that allows women to pee standing up. Don't ask why I ran across it, I just did, but the point is; women can buy what basically amounts to a funnel so they can pee anywhere without sitting down. It's called the P-Mate.

On the P-StandingUp.com website, they ask three questions:

• Have you ever found yourself in a dirty, unhygienic, port-a-potty?
• Have you ever had a full bladder with no bathroom in sight?
• Have you ever been afraid to pull down your pants to squat and pee and risk being seen?

So instead of just biting the bullet and sitting on a toilet seat, or putting some TP on the seat, then sitting, or even squatting in the woods with some leaves, women are suppose to, in the words of the company that produces the P-Mate...

1. Simply pop open the P-Mate and move your underwear aside. Place the cupped opening against your body, under the flow area between your legs.
2. Tilt hips so funnel faces slightly downwards.
3. Relax and pee.
4. Dispose of properly.

I am not a woman, never have been a woman, and plan on never being a woman, but I tend to find this product to be very ridiculous. If you are a woman and have used this item, or think you might find this item handy, please let me know. I am, in no way, trying to make light of the plight of women and public toilets, but the common sense side of me tells me that most women would agree with me about the ridiculousness of a tool like this.

It seems that some women have enjoyed the P-Mate. Here's one of the testimonials from P-StandingUp.com:

"I am a woman that hunts/fishes and have shared my backside with TOO MANY OTHERS. Thanks for restoring my dignity in the woods."

Here is what my friend Doug said about the item:

"Women, you will never have a penis. Get over it!"

If you are interested in the P-Mate, make sure to check out their web site. They have instructions, FAQ's and even a video explaining the product. I've got to hand it to them, they have a well thought out, informative web site.

Check out the P-Mate for yourself!

CNN And Baby Bumps

I will admit that I'm a little naive about some things like the fact that I used to believe that CNN provided me with serious news when I needed such news...Until today, when I surfed over to CNN.com and found that one of the top stories under the Latest News header was, "Is Angelina showing off a baby bump?"
Right under "Rioters try to attack US consulate" and "Virus on cruise ship sickens dozens" we get speculation about Jolie's baby bump. The fact that they are reporting on one of America's most famous actresses/humanitarian doesn't get me too upset. More than that, it's the wording they employed. They couldn't have gone with, "Is Angelina pregnant?" Is that not sexy enough? Are they trying to hit the 15-20 demo? Are they trying to sound hip and/or from the streets? I'm hungry, I need a sandwich.

In review, this post makes me sound crotchety, old and out of touch. I'm fine with that. I just want the top news stories, not news on someone's "baby bump". I'm going to go sit in my rocking chair now, goodbye.

My First Interaction With A Human On Tuesday Morning

First thing this morning a coworker I don't talk to very much bellowed over the cubical wall, "Hey, you know that song, Love Hurts?"

And I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Well, you know the line that goes, Love is like a flame / It burns you when it’s hot?"

I said, “Sure.”

He said, “Isn’t fire, by definition, hot? So why do they say, 'when it’s hot'? It doesn't make any sense."

And I said, "Yeah, well, you've got a point there, fire is always hot."

And he said, "I've just been wondering about that lately."

Somehow I Missed Nebraska

So I visited this site where you can click on the States you've visited and then get a map showing the data in a pleasing map form, and somehow I visited every state around Nebraska, but not Nebraska itself. I wonder if I should even bother trying to Nebraska, or if I should just forget about Nebraska and try to keep that hole in the center of my map?

If you'd like to make a nifty map like this for yourself, click here.

I've been scouring the interwebs looking for a reason to visit Nebraska, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I need to visit the state. Here's what I found:

• Carhenge - Alliance, NE - It is a replica of Stonehenge made with cars.
• World's Largest Porch Swing - Hebron, NE - It's a swing and it's large.
• World's Largest Time Capsule - Seward, NE - It's a time capsule and it's large.

OK, so I'm not going to rush to Nebraska based on those attractions. Do any of you know of something cool to see in Nebraska?

Priorities

We (the U.S.) can shoot down a satellite orbiting 130 miles above the Earth at 17,000 miles per hour, but we don't have the technology to make a vending machine that will spit out a bag of chips without getting stuck.

We need to get our priorities straight. For reals.


NY Times article about the satellite

What's The Deal With This Publicity Photo?

Seriously, what's the deal with this publicity photo? It's for a show on the BBC.

Is the guy on the left about to bust a cap? Or is he about to bring the pain? And the lady on the right; I'm pretty sure she's gonna be fighting crime or aliens or some shit, but she's not sure yet. I know what she is sure of; the guy in back is not Mark-Paul Gosselaar from Saved By The Bell. She knows now that he's not Mark-Paul Gosselaar, because after the first read-through for this show, she slept with him thinking he was Mark-Paul Gosselaar. She soon found out his real identity, and now she has feelings for the lead guy with the gun. She feels she deserves to be with the star of the show, not the 3rd supporting actor.

Model Of Maturity Part 3

This is so dumb, but recently I stumbled across the Einstein Chalkboard Picture Creator. You can enter in any text and it will put it on the chalkboard as if Einstein himself was writing it. I decided to make Albert write about one of my coworkers:


Check out the Dynamic Eintstein Picture for yourself.

Worst Comeback Ever

With unflinching humility, I present you with my worst comeback ever...

My Surly Coworker: "I will kill you."

Me: "I will murder you...back."

Jesus Light Switch

"Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."

I like to think that a company designed, produced and sold this light switch without thinking about what it would look like once the actual switch was inserted into the slot.

I also like to think that there are devout Christians out there with this very switch in use, with a delightful naiveté about how it looks.

I also like to pretend I'm a dragon and attack my girlfriend with my "talons."

Rant On Crappy Movies

Why do we keep paying to see shitty movies? Oh, you say you don't go see shitty movies? Then let me start with a few numbers that say you do...

The Good:

There Will Be Blood

• 8.8 average IMDB.com user rating.
• 8 Academy Award Nominations.
• Grossed $17 Million

Into The Wild

• 8.3 average IMDB.com user rating.
• 2 Academy Award Nominations.
• Grossed $18 Million

Now the bad:

Fools Gold

• 4.6 average IMDB.com user rating.
• Grossed $44 Million and counting.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins

• 2.6 average IMDB.com user rating.
• Grossed $30 Million and counting.

In review; two of the highest rated movies of last year grossed $35 Million combined, and two of the most widely panned movies of the year have made over $74 Million and counting.

Why do we keep supporting Hollywood's output of these terrible movies? Why are people so hellbent on seeing Matt McConaughey without his shirt on, and Martin Lawrence's nuts getting whacked? I just don't know who is seeing these movies. Nobody I know will admit they've seen them. It makes me sad to see these sorts of numbers, because that means Hollywood will be rolling out more crap like Roscoe and Gold for us to consume. Fuck, I can't believe how mad this makes me...OK, now I'm fine.

I would like to leave you with an excerpt from a user review of Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins:

"...It was especially disappointing to see an actor of James Earl Jones' caliber in such a trashy movie. If you are looking for a movie experience with more uplifting than negative messages; then, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins is not for you. Save your money for another trip to the movies."

Dog Eat Dog...Shit

Today I have a short & true story contributed from a friend of mine:

For anybody who owns a dog (in my case two) you may be aware of some of the revolting habits they may have. That one where they eat their own shit is the worst to me. It’s disgusting and even talking about it is making me sick.

The other morning I was up at 4:30am (early work day). I let my dear dogs out to use the outdoor facilities. I was busy grabbing some food for lunch and I looked out the window to check up on them. What I saw was horrifying, so if you have a weak stomach, don’t read what happened next. One of my dogs was defecating, which dogs will do, but my other dog was eating the shit right as it was coming out of his ass. I was ready to vomit. Normally I would yell at them with various curse words, but it was 4:30 in the morning, neighbors were sleeping, and it was 15 below outside. What could I do, really? Nothing, but share this story with you.

Cats & Wind Chimes Revisited

Yesterday, my boss Barb wore a necklace with a cat and a wind chime on it. I wrote in a previous entry about Barb’s blue sweatshirt with a cat & a wind chime, so here's what I'm wondering; if she wore the necklace and the sweatshirt together, would Martha Stewart have an orgasm? I bet she would, but we need not talk about such things.

I couldn't find a photo of a cat & wind chime necklace anywhere on the web, but I did find this, enjoy:

What Time Is It?

I asked a friend of mine for the time the other day, and she said, "It's three quarters to the hour."
And I was like, "What?"
And she was like, "It's three quarters to."
And I fought the urge to slap her and said, "No. It's a quarter after."
And then she went on to explain that "three quarters to" and "quarter after" take the same amount of time to say.
Then I asked if she ever says, "Three quarters after the hour."
And she said, "Sure."
And then I rolled my eyes and fought that urge again.
She kept insisting that both ways take the same amount of time to say, but I disagreed and we ended up having a three fifths an hour long argument.

Blog Review

I just received some awesome feedback on my blog from a female coworker. Here's what she had to say:

"I'd just like you to know that I read your blog and can no longer speak to you... because I'm scared. Deeply, fervently petrified for my female life." - A.J., Minneapolis, MN

Thanks for the feedback!

Another Creepy Old Ad - Suicidal Pig

I know it's not that original, but I just get a real kick out of these vintage ads, and it's just good old fashioned, old-timey fun.

Here we have a lovely ad for sausage. It's pretty self-explanatory, even though it's in French. The damn pig is butchering itself. Why would that make people want to eat sausage? Actually, the more I look at it, the more I do want a nice plump sausage.

Here is what the ad roughly reads:

One eats with pleasure and without tiredness.
Sausage from Auvergne
Purity
Food
Absolute
Good sausages of the COCHEN SPENDTHRIFT!

100th Post!

I'm not sure if anybody is going to care, but this is my 100th Post since starting this blog.

In light of this huge event in my life, I thought I'd make this post extra super duper special by sharing with you some silly stories and/or tidbits from my past that helped shape who I am today, and therefore, this blog.

• When I was 12, my mom waited in line with me at Great American Music to get Motley Crue tickets. As a result, I missed the first 2 hours of school. My mom forgot to write me a note about why I was late and when I was called into the VP's office, he asked me why I was late. I told him that my mom and I were waiting in line for Motley Crue tickets. He thought I was lying and sentenced me to 2 days of detention. Remember kids, the truth will send you to detention.
  
• When I was in the 8th grade, I inadvertently found out that my science teacher and my English teacher were having an elicit affair. At least that was my inference...I was running down the hallway between classes, and my English teacher told me to slow down. I stopped and told him to "cool out". That's when my science teacher, who overheard the comment, stormed towards me, grabbed me by my shirt and slammed me against the lockers. She demanded that I apologize to my English teacher at once. She was so angry, and adamant that I apologize, that I could only come to one conclusion; they were fucking.
  
• When I was 14, and my best friend was 15, we played in a Poison cover band. One day we were practicing in my parents' basement and we decided to see exactly how loud his guitar amp would go. We set the amp on the driveway, and while one of us put the volume dial on 10 and played, the other one got on a bike and pedaled down the street to see how far it carried. It was very loud, and we could hear it all the way down the block, but as we neared the end of our experiment, a police car pulled into the driveway. We only got a warning, but it was a stern one.
• When I was around 10 years old, some dude flashed my sister and I from his car. There was a whole big deal with cops and shit. I don't remember much about it, but maybe that's why I like to flash so much...
• One time, my dad got super pissed off at me and tore down my Rocky poster in a fit of rage. I tried to tape it together, but it was never the same. (I totally deserved his wrath, trust me)
• My best friend and I once encouraged a kid to put gasoline on his brand new leather gloves in order to get out a tiny paint stain. From then on, those tan leather gloves never smelled of anything other than gas.
• Here is a photo of my family on vacation in the Ozark Mountains. We are the 4 peeps on the left, and on the right, are some strangers. It's one of those photos that is taken professionally by the attraction you are visiting, and for some reason they couldn't take a photo of each family, we all had to pose together. I'm the little boy in the pimp pants being held by mommy...
  

Thanks for walking down memory lane with me, and enduring my gratuitous use of bold type. I love you all very much. Well, not you, George.

My Surly Coworker

I have this male friend/coworker that I sit next to at work. I like to think of him as my work spouse. Here are some things he's said to me:

"Don't poop where I poop, go to your secret pooping place."

"I've got a kink only you can work out."

"You're a strange man, and I don't mean that in a good way."

"It's only a short matter of time until we die."

"You are my taco-faced love."

After telling me about the old shotgun his step-father gave him:
"You never know when something's gonna need killin'."

"I just want you to hurt."

Model of Maturity Part 2

Let me share with you a quick, but stupid story of my maturity, or lack of.

It was a slow day at work and the snow had been lightly falling most of the day. Around 7PM, I went out back to have a smoke and saw the snow had stopped. I saw a car parked on the street with a handicap placard where a coworker with a bad knee usually parked. It had a clean, smooth, fresh coating of snow, so of course I drew a huge phallus on the window. I was very proud of myself. I left work before he did, so I didn't have a chance to see his reaction.

The next day, I was having a smoke out back before starting my shift, and I saw the same car pull up with the handicap placard, but it wasn't him, it was some lady I had never seen before. I nodded hello as she walked by me as I realized that I had drawn a phallus on some random woman's car window.

I felt bad, but kept it all inside, until now. Wanna know what else I have inside? No, you don't.

Here is a horrible rendering of the car in question:

Breaking Down Super Bowl XLII

It was a great Super Bowl...

What Does Emo-Clown Say?

Emo-Clown says, "I'm sad because I tried to cut myself, but all my knives are crazy-rubber-clown knives."

Commentary on Society

The other day, I saw a baby bib on the sidewalk outside of work. It was abandoned, lost and forgotten. It was laying there shouting out to me to take its photo and tell its story.

This is not just an abandoned bib, it is a medaphor for life, relationships, babies, families and death. It speaks to me and the world on a level sometimes hard to understand, and other times, a little too scary to understand...

Just kidding y'all! It's a fucking abandoned bib and it looked weird laying there all flat on the sidewalk and I snapped a photo. Isn't it neat. But what if...what if I were to be as serious as the above paragraph? I'll tell you what if; I'd kick my own ass. Badly. I'd beat my face until my teeth were embedded into my cheeks. It would be ugly.

Why don't we all take this opportunity to laugh and to help those who take life too seriously to settle the heck down, and to laugh at yourself, or at least laugh at your siblings, or your spouse, or your girlfriend or boyfriend or your boss, or maybe your imaginary friend, or even your creepy little dolls you keep lined up on the couch to keep you company.

Bye now.

It's Nice To Have A Girl Around The House

Especially in the winter, when you have lots of snow and mud to wipe off.

My feeble little mind cannot figure out what this vintage ad is saying. It appears that it's for Leggs, which I do believe is a pantyhose maker, or something of that ilk. So I guess the message is, "It's nice to have a girl around the house" in pantyhose so you can put her in a tiger costume and step on her like a rug. Pretty sick fetish if you ask me. I guess I'm in the minority in thinking women are humans just like men. Maybe they aren't...

If any of you all have a good interpretation of this ad, please let me know.