Monday, April 28, 2008

Overheard...In My Apartment

Me: Do 'ya think Hitler liked blowjobs?

LadyToker: Yeah, I bet Hitler liked blowjobs.

Me: Do you think he needed to have violent weird sex?

LadyToker: I think it's safe to assume that the most evil man to ever live had a voracious appetite only fulfilled by sick and depraved activities.

Me: So you think the more evil someone is, the more sick their sex life is?

LadyToker: Well, maybe.

Me: I don't know, I can picture Hitler sidling up to Eva Braun on their bunker couch, and moving from one base to another, slowly and carefully until he enters her and makes sweet love to her right there on the bunker couch...conversely, I'm not sure I could see Gandhi goin' to town from behind on a big booty bitch, slapping her ass red. Can you picture either of those?

LadyToker: I'm going to sleep now.

Eating Twizzlers And Making Eye Contact

Is it OK to make eye contact with a coworker while eating a Twizzler? Take it from me, it can be uncomfortable, and recently, after a coworker offered me some Twizzlers, I found myself eating it and making eye contact. It didn't last long. It felt wrong, so I averted my eyes.

I don't think it's a male/male thing either, no matter what combination you have, it can be uncomfortable wrapping you lips around a phallic food whilst making eye contact. Of course, unless you are trying to flirt with someone, then I say it's OK for women to do this, but never men.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Stealing From The Elderly

Recently at my dad’s senior apartment complex, there was an incident where someone snuck in the front door, and proceeded to walk into someone’s unlocked apartment and steal some cash. After that, they decided to change the locks on the front and back doors and not give any family members keys, so we have to buzz every time we go visit. Which is fine, except that every time I go there, the little old ladies look at me like I’m going to rape them. They are all scared and very skeptical of anybody under 60 years of age.

Why do the family members need to be punished by not having keys, when the person who snuck in didn't have a key? So now they building has new locks, we all have to get buzzed in, the old ladies are afraid, and I'm sure some senile bat will accidentally let another petty thief in at some point. So what was the point of changing the locks, taking away the keys and making everyone scared? A simple memo to the residents reminding them not to let in strangers would've sufficed.

I’ve been going to this place twice a week for almost 3 years, and many of the ladies once knew me. But one thing about getting old, you forget shit, and evidentially every one of those old biddies has forgotten who I am, or they have decided to take out their frustration of not having any loved ones to visit them on other visitors. I am sick of going to visit my dad and having to justify my presence to a multitude of mature ladies.

Yesterday my dad would not answer his phone and some hag came to the door while I was trying to contact him to buzz me. I made eye contact and said hello and she hit me back with a cold stare and, “You know, I can’t let you in,” as she quickly shut the door behind her. Some old crone leaves her door unlocked and gets robbed, and now they are all scared for their lives. It just seems like an overreaction. After I finally got in, I walked up the stairs to my dad’s place on the second floor, and as I opened the stairway door, a lady, who has seen me there dozens of times, was there to greet me accusingly with, “Did you just come in the back door?” At this point, fed up with prying minds and eyes, I laughed, shook my head, grunted no, and then walked into my father’s apartment.

I realize I am being a little tough on these elderly ladies, but most of the men in the complex talk to me, know my name, open the door for me, etc. I also realize that being scared is a normal thing and Americans are really good at being scared, and old Americans are even better at it, but it really gets to me that I can’t go visit my seventy-year-old father without being questioned like I’m there to rape an old woman or steal the two dollar bill on their nightstand.

This Blog Sucks

I'm sorry this blog sucks lately. The search for my balls has gone very well and I'm 99% sure I've found them, and that is the reason this blog sucks. But I am going to try to change that, so check back.
Here's an awful drawing of the touching reunion between me and my balls...

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Empty Bottles and Kids

I was parked outside a strip mall that has a Subway and a liquor store in it. Next to my car a sedan pulled up with 2 adult males and a 3 year old boy. The one man held the boy while the other man cleaned out the back seat of the car. Since there was a big garbage can in front of the liquor store, he thought he'd tidy up a bit. After reaching down in the back seat, his hands were full, and from my vantage point, I could for sure make out 2 empty Corona beer bottles and other misc trash. He tossed the open bottles, then escorted his friend with the boy into the liquor store. They purchased some booze, and got back into the car. The man with the boy got into the back seat where the boy sat on the man's lap. No car seat. No seat belts.

It was a perfect storm of wrongness and I'll be honest, it was fun to watch.
The following is my attempt to low-pro a photo of the 2 men. It didn't turn out so well.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hillary Clinton's All-American Day

Cross-eyed Hillary Clinton about to down a shot of whiskey in Indiana...

After the cameras stopped rolling, Hillary had a few more shots and a couple of Mojitos before climbing into the back of Jim's (the guy on the right) pickup truck. They rode for what felt like hours before finally pulling up to Jim's double wide. The caravan of cars that followed all parked on the brown lawn surrounding the trailer. The party that ensued was remembered by Hillary as, "...a blur of tight white undies, ecstasy, teabagging and gun cleaning. It was the most American day I've ever had and I think I picked up a few votes."

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Best Photo Ever

I can't find any information on this photo. Don't know when it's from or who it is, but I'm pretty sure you'll agree that it is awesome!

Friday, April 11, 2008

I Love Baseball

Spring is in the air...One minute it's raining, the next it's sleeting, the next it's snowing, the next minute I'm in the corner of my room in the fetal position mumbling something about the Cookie Monster.

In honor of spring and baseball being underway, here is the baseball costume I'm purchasing for my girlfriend. I hope she likes it.

Russian Nipple Mystery

Somewhere in Russia...

Men sit in a mobile sauna that is mounted on a four-wheel drive truck in a forest in Barnaul in the Altai region April 5, 2008. A local craftsman installed the Russian sauna, or banya, in the cabin of a four wheel-drive personnel carrier and said the rugged army vehicle can master almost any terrain.
This 1st photo shows the three men enjoying some beers outside of the sauna. Notice the 4 nipples on the guy sitting down, and his big knife...

Now the three men are inside the sauna and suspiciously, his 2 extra nipples are gone...

Spring Facial

My surly coworker and I were having a nice conversation about spring...

Me: "It's spring, love is in the air. I can feel it coming."

Surly Coworker: "I can feel it coming too," as he mimes wiping off his face.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Stuffing The Mailbox

This is photo of my latest Netflix movie that came in the mail. It was crammed into my small mailbox.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Baseball Cheerleaders?

The Florida Marlins have a cheerleading squad called the Mermaids. Here are some photos...

Doug At The Movies

Welcome to the very first installment of Doug at the Movies!

Doug loves the ladies and hasn't had too much time to see movies over the years. Now that he's getting older, he's taking the time to see some movies he's missed while out chasing tail. Please enjoy Doug's review of Failure To Launch starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Failure to Launch stars Matt McConaughey as a successful dude who still lives with his parents. They finally gets sick of it and hire Mrs. Parker to get him to move out.
This was a terrible movie! If you haven't seen it, don't. I actually started hoping Sarah Parker would get naked, just so I'd have something to look at, then I thought to myself, Jesus, why would I want to see her naked? I didn't enjoy one second of this movie, and after it was over, I put in Wild Things and cued it up to the three way scene to cleanse my palette.
If you are in the mood for a good romantic comedy, rent or download Chocolat starring Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp.
See you next time on Doug At The Movies!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Money + Low Self Esteem + Plastic Surgery =

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel sorry for it.

I just found out it is Jocelyn Wildenstein.