Thursday, May 1, 2008

Happy May Day!

Someone shit on my friend's garage door. Here's a photo of it.

I am 100% against shitting on stranger's garages. Again, Happy May Day 2008!

Birds Get Up Early

I'm lucky enough to have a bird living outside of my bedroom window. Every morning at approximately 5:30 AM, it starts to make its morning sounds, even on Saturday and Sunday. I know nothing about birds, but it's not the normal chirping bird, it has a weird warbling sound, very distinct, very loud, and very random.

LadyToker and I have a nickname for this bird: Fuck Face.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Overheard...In My Apartment

Me: Do 'ya think Hitler liked blowjobs?

LadyToker: Yeah, I bet Hitler liked blowjobs.

Me: Do you think he needed to have violent weird sex?

LadyToker: I think it's safe to assume that the most evil man to ever live had a voracious appetite only fulfilled by sick and depraved activities.

Me: So you think the more evil someone is, the more sick their sex life is?

LadyToker: Well, maybe.

Me: I don't know, I can picture Hitler sidling up to Eva Braun on their bunker couch, and moving from one base to another, slowly and carefully until he enters her and makes sweet love to her right there on the bunker couch...conversely, I'm not sure I could see Gandhi goin' to town from behind on a big booty bitch, slapping her ass red. Can you picture either of those?

LadyToker: I'm going to sleep now.

Eating Twizzlers And Making Eye Contact

Is it OK to make eye contact with a coworker while eating a Twizzler? Take it from me, it can be uncomfortable, and recently, after a coworker offered me some Twizzlers, I found myself eating it and making eye contact. It didn't last long. It felt wrong, so I averted my eyes.

I don't think it's a male/male thing either, no matter what combination you have, it can be uncomfortable wrapping you lips around a phallic food whilst making eye contact. Of course, unless you are trying to flirt with someone, then I say it's OK for women to do this, but never men.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Stealing From The Elderly

Recently at my dad’s senior apartment complex, there was an incident where someone snuck in the front door, and proceeded to walk into someone’s unlocked apartment and steal some cash. After that, they decided to change the locks on the front and back doors and not give any family members keys, so we have to buzz every time we go visit. Which is fine, except that every time I go there, the little old ladies look at me like I’m going to rape them. They are all scared and very skeptical of anybody under 60 years of age.

Why do the family members need to be punished by not having keys, when the person who snuck in didn't have a key? So now they building has new locks, we all have to get buzzed in, the old ladies are afraid, and I'm sure some senile bat will accidentally let another petty thief in at some point. So what was the point of changing the locks, taking away the keys and making everyone scared? A simple memo to the residents reminding them not to let in strangers would've sufficed.

I’ve been going to this place twice a week for almost 3 years, and many of the ladies once knew me. But one thing about getting old, you forget shit, and evidentially every one of those old biddies has forgotten who I am, or they have decided to take out their frustration of not having any loved ones to visit them on other visitors. I am sick of going to visit my dad and having to justify my presence to a multitude of mature ladies.

Yesterday my dad would not answer his phone and some hag came to the door while I was trying to contact him to buzz me. I made eye contact and said hello and she hit me back with a cold stare and, “You know, I can’t let you in,” as she quickly shut the door behind her. Some old crone leaves her door unlocked and gets robbed, and now they are all scared for their lives. It just seems like an overreaction. After I finally got in, I walked up the stairs to my dad’s place on the second floor, and as I opened the stairway door, a lady, who has seen me there dozens of times, was there to greet me accusingly with, “Did you just come in the back door?” At this point, fed up with prying minds and eyes, I laughed, shook my head, grunted no, and then walked into my father’s apartment.

I realize I am being a little tough on these elderly ladies, but most of the men in the complex talk to me, know my name, open the door for me, etc. I also realize that being scared is a normal thing and Americans are really good at being scared, and old Americans are even better at it, but it really gets to me that I can’t go visit my seventy-year-old father without being questioned like I’m there to rape an old woman or steal the two dollar bill on their nightstand.

This Blog Sucks

I'm sorry this blog sucks lately. The search for my balls has gone very well and I'm 99% sure I've found them, and that is the reason this blog sucks. But I am going to try to change that, so check back.
Here's an awful drawing of the touching reunion between me and my balls...

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Empty Bottles and Kids

I was parked outside a strip mall that has a Subway and a liquor store in it. Next to my car a sedan pulled up with 2 adult males and a 3 year old boy. The one man held the boy while the other man cleaned out the back seat of the car. Since there was a big garbage can in front of the liquor store, he thought he'd tidy up a bit. After reaching down in the back seat, his hands were full, and from my vantage point, I could for sure make out 2 empty Corona beer bottles and other misc trash. He tossed the open bottles, then escorted his friend with the boy into the liquor store. They purchased some booze, and got back into the car. The man with the boy got into the back seat where the boy sat on the man's lap. No car seat. No seat belts.

It was a perfect storm of wrongness and I'll be honest, it was fun to watch.
The following is my attempt to low-pro a photo of the 2 men. It didn't turn out so well.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hillary Clinton's All-American Day

Cross-eyed Hillary Clinton about to down a shot of whiskey in Indiana...

After the cameras stopped rolling, Hillary had a few more shots and a couple of Mojitos before climbing into the back of Jim's (the guy on the right) pickup truck. They rode for what felt like hours before finally pulling up to Jim's double wide. The caravan of cars that followed all parked on the brown lawn surrounding the trailer. The party that ensued was remembered by Hillary as, "...a blur of tight white undies, ecstasy, teabagging and gun cleaning. It was the most American day I've ever had and I think I picked up a few votes."

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Best Photo Ever

I can't find any information on this photo. Don't know when it's from or who it is, but I'm pretty sure you'll agree that it is awesome!

Friday, April 11, 2008

I Love Baseball

Spring is in the air...One minute it's raining, the next it's sleeting, the next it's snowing, the next minute I'm in the corner of my room in the fetal position mumbling something about the Cookie Monster.

In honor of spring and baseball being underway, here is the baseball costume I'm purchasing for my girlfriend. I hope she likes it.

Russian Nipple Mystery

Somewhere in Russia...

Men sit in a mobile sauna that is mounted on a four-wheel drive truck in a forest in Barnaul in the Altai region April 5, 2008. A local craftsman installed the Russian sauna, or banya, in the cabin of a four wheel-drive personnel carrier and said the rugged army vehicle can master almost any terrain.
This 1st photo shows the three men enjoying some beers outside of the sauna. Notice the 4 nipples on the guy sitting down, and his big knife...

Now the three men are inside the sauna and suspiciously, his 2 extra nipples are gone...

Spring Facial

My surly coworker and I were having a nice conversation about spring...

Me: "It's spring, love is in the air. I can feel it coming."

Surly Coworker: "I can feel it coming too," as he mimes wiping off his face.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Stuffing The Mailbox

This is photo of my latest Netflix movie that came in the mail. It was crammed into my small mailbox.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Baseball Cheerleaders?

The Florida Marlins have a cheerleading squad called the Mermaids. Here are some photos...

Doug At The Movies

Welcome to the very first installment of Doug at the Movies!

Doug loves the ladies and hasn't had too much time to see movies over the years. Now that he's getting older, he's taking the time to see some movies he's missed while out chasing tail. Please enjoy Doug's review of Failure To Launch starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Failure to Launch stars Matt McConaughey as a successful dude who still lives with his parents. They finally gets sick of it and hire Mrs. Parker to get him to move out.
This was a terrible movie! If you haven't seen it, don't. I actually started hoping Sarah Parker would get naked, just so I'd have something to look at, then I thought to myself, Jesus, why would I want to see her naked? I didn't enjoy one second of this movie, and after it was over, I put in Wild Things and cued it up to the three way scene to cleanse my palette.
If you are in the mood for a good romantic comedy, rent or download Chocolat starring Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp.
See you next time on Doug At The Movies!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Money + Low Self Esteem + Plastic Surgery =

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel sorry for it.

I just found out it is Jocelyn Wildenstein.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

8.5 Feet Of Ukrainian Meat

While a photo of an 8-foot tall dude riding a bike with a normal size dude pushing him is pretty funny, we should really be concerned with why the Ukraine branded him with a scarlet "H", presumably standing for humongous.

Ukrainian veterinarian, Leonid Stadnik, 2.59 meter (8.5 feet) tall, the world's tallest living man according to the Guinness Book of Records, rides a bicycle specially made for him, in the village of Podoliantsy, Ukraine's northwestern Zhytomyr region, 212 kilometers (131.74 miles) west of the capital Kiev, Sunday, March 23, 2008. Stadnik's growth spurt started at age 14 after a brain operation apparently stimulated his pituitary gland. Stadnik, 37, is still growing up. (AP Photo/Efrem Lukatsky)

Conan the Chihuahua

Here is a picture of a dog praying with a Buddhist Priest.

Click here to read more about Conan the praying dog.

Another Peeing Aid

Here's another peeing ad for women. It is called My SweetPee.

You can purchase their reusable shield (blue) or disposable shield (pink). Now, with the reusable shield, you'll wanna make sure to get the citrus sanitizing cleanser.

Here's a little taste on how to use My SweetPee taken from

You have a choice of two ways to STAND when using My SweetPee. You can either face the toilet or face away from the toilet. Both ways work well but our favorite is facing away from the toilet.
What is your favorite way of using My SweetPee? Facing the toilet or facing away from the toilet? I'll tell you one thing, the minute I get home, I'm going to try peeing facing away from the toilet...then I'm going to clean up the mess and watch a movie.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Jealousy And Crotch-Shots

My friend's band played this weekend at the South By Southwest Music Festival in Austin, Texas. I have a healthy amount of jealousy running through my head that his band played there and my band did not, so to commemorate the SXSW Music Festival, I present to you this retrospective on using crotch shots on album covers. Enjoy!

First off, the original. Sticky Fingers by The Rolling Stones:
I know you all want to know, so no, it is not Mick Jagger's crotch, or any of the other Stones.

In 1981, Motley Crue copied the design of Sticky Fingers on their record Too Fast For Love:

Since then, there have been a plethora of crotches on album covers...

Amorica by The Black Crows
Heavy Metal Hits Compilation

Fat Boy SlimUp at the Crack by Boned

The Commodores
Almost crotch shots...
Jennifer Lopez

Hot Boogie Chillun

Friday, March 7, 2008

Men Can Play "Defense" Too

Previously, I posted a photo of girls playing "defense" on the basketball court. To be fair, here is a photo from the NBA with some equally good "defense:

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Degenerate Famous People

Does who your favorite sports stars, music stars, or Hollywood stars are say anything about who you are?

  • My favorite boxer was Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson was convicted of rape in 1992 and served 3 years in prison. In 1997 he bit off part of Evander Holyfield's ear during a boxing match. Mike also bit the leg of Lennox Lewis during a pre-fight news conference in 2002.
  • My favorite baseball player growing up was Jose Canseco. admitted to being a steroid user and has ratted out numerous other other players for being users. He was Jose has accused of domestic violence by his first wife after he rammed his car into hers. He was also arrested after allegedly hitting his second wife.
  • My favorite musician growing up was Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. He was a heroin addict, and shot himself in the head.
I've come to the conclusion that liking these three degenerate celebrities says nothing about my personality.

Warning: Serious Death & Dying Post Ahead

In high school, we were required to take a health class. They taught us about our bodies and reproduction, CPR, and such, but they never really touched on how our parents will one day shrivel up and die right in front of us, how we are going to feel about, what our responsibilities might be, and how to go on with our lives. And for those of us who love and rely on our parents, losing them is a painful, ugly thing.

I certainly wish I could've taken a class on how to prepare for my parents’ deaths. I drifted through high school, college and real life, never thinking about my parents dying until my mother got cancer and died when she was 57. It was a shock, I was not ready then, and I'm still not over it.

Recently, I was out at my dad's and we were watching an episode of Law & Order. He paused it and said, "Son, I'm guessing you don't really want to talk about this, but I want you to know what to do and where all of my important papers are for when I die..." He went on to tell me some specifics about what to do, who to contact, etc, when he dies. He's not imminently dying, but he is 70 years old, so I guess it is good that he told me, but he was also right when he guessed I didn't want to talk about it.

I wish I had been more prepared. I'm not sure if a class in H.S. would've helped, but it would not have hurt.

My Surly Coworker Likes Bones

I got this email from my surly coworker yesterday:

Subject: You probably wonder why I carried this 1.5 miles down a frozen river through virgin snow....
Visions of beheaded dolls with bone bodies dancing in my head.
It's because I'm rad.

Do All Athletes Want To Win?

I was listening to a Twins spring training game on the radio, and the announcers were talking about a young player, and one of them said, "...he wants to win." And I thought to myself, of course he wants to win. Doesn't everyone in sports, in varying degrees, want to win?

One would think most athletes would like to win, but I recently found an interview from the late 70's of an up-and-coming ballplayer named Bobby Knowwood. Here is an excerpt:

Sporting News: Bobby, how is it being in the Major Leagues for the fist time?

Bobby: It's great. The lifestyle, the hotels, the private airplanes, it's all great.

SN: How bad do you want to win this year?

Bobby: To tell you the truth, I don't really get caught up in wins and losses. I'm not too worried about that. I just want to go out there and put up great numbers.

SN: So you don't care if your team wins?

Bobby: Nah, that's not really my call. In fact, losing has its privileges. We get the entire month of October off, while some players have to play in the Playoffs & World Series. Plus, during the season, there's so much less pressure when you lose.

SN: I'll be honest, that view is pretty unorthodox. Are you sure you're not putting me on?

Bobby: Oh, no. Not even a little bit. I come from a long line of Knowwood losers. My grandfather was a fighter pilot in WWII. He has the record for losing the most dogfights. He lost nine of them in a three year period, but miraculously, he was able to punch out and survive all nine encounters, or as I say, losses. My father lost at baseball his entire life; t-ball, little league, high school and college. And my mother loses her keys all the fricken time.
SN: I see. Well, Bobby, thanks for taking the time to talk to me today and good luck in the upcoming season.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

New Fashions From Paris

This week in Paris, designers unveiled their fall/winter ready-to-wear collections. Here are some of the highlights:

We start off with a few cute numbers by Japanese designer Junya Watanabe. She seems to be into covering up women's faces.

With this one, Junya kicks it up a notch by covering every square inch of the face and neck. I wonder if you have to buy it all as one piece, or if you could just buy the head dress, because I'm not too fond of the jacket, but the black deal covering her head is a stunner. Ready-to-wear indeed!

Now with this one, she left the neck exposed, but she did hide a soccer ball in the head piece. Junya is one cagey son-of-a-bitch.

Next we have 2 pieces by Jeremy Scott. The first one here is great. I can't even count how many times I've walked into a place and saw drapes I wish I could wear.

Then he steps it up with the 'ol frame-head design. Let me just say, it's about time. There's already rumblings that next year Jeremy Scott will break out his long awaited Linoleum Collection.

This year in Paris there seemed to be a calling for large pieces on or about the head. And Martin Margiela did not disappoint...
Here is another Margiela creation, and again, it's super fucked up.

We finally move to Vivienne Westwood. We only get a small taste of the dress, but I'm pretty sure that's all we need. This is what I imagine someone might look like after they are abducted, kept hostage in a cage, then finally released 6 months later.

Don't worry, by the time these fashions make it to the United States, they will look more like this:

PETA Demonstration In Australia

Yesterday there was a PETA Demonstration In Australia. Here are some photos: