Thursday, February 26, 2009

Tribute to Fashion: Mickey Rourke

After seeing Mickey Rourke at the Academy Awards looking all pimpy in his white suit, I knew I needed to pay tribute to this great American.

It's not often, maybe once in a generation, that an icon like Mickey emerges. He's a bad-ass, who dresses like a bad-ass, acts like a bad-ass, and eats wimps like me for breakfast! When a time capsule is unearthed in the year 3000, he should be the face people see, the face of America!

Here's a look at the 2008 fashion of Mickey Rourke.

Oscar Rourke!

Silky Rourke!

Tea-totaling Rourke!

Mask in one hand, champagne to mask the pain in the other Rourke!

Thumbs up Rourke!

Cowboy Rourke!

Rourke says: "Yeah, I'm wearing this. Deal with it. It's really bright and blue, isn't it? I just came from your mama's house, she liked it."

you can shave the baby - Art Piece

Even though it is an art piece, nothing can take away from this hairy baby's creepiness.

Why is the baby so hairy? When it was born, did the doctor accidentally drop the baby into a vat of toxic waste when it was born? Was it's mom born on the planet Hairtron? (My inner-voice: Yeah, you really nailed that one! Way to go, you're on fire today! Keep it up!)

My best guess is that the artist was super hairy as a baby, and maybe got ridiculed in school for being extra hairy. There's a fine line when it comes to school kids and hair. Have to little, and you get called baldy, have too much and you get called...hairy, I guess, or maybe Sasquatch. Either way, you gotta have just the right amount of hair to be accepted and left alone.

Click on the hairy baby to see it all blown up. (My inner-voice, again: Now it sounds like I taped firecrackers to the hairy baby and blew it up, but I'm really just talking about seeing the photo blown up to a bigger size...actually, blowing up a hairy baby doll doesn't sound like a half bad idea....)

Night of Jackman

On Tuesday night I watched the Oscars. I recorded it on my DVR. Most people would say they TiVo’d it, but my DVR is not a TiVo brand, so I don’t really feel comfortable calling it a TiVo. My DVR would probably feel bad if I did that.

I’ve seen most of the nominated movies, but I am still a little apprehensive about Slumdog Millionaire. I feel like I’m the only one, but when I see clips and hear things about Slumdog, it doesn’t make me want to see it. What if I don’t like it? Does that mean I’m racist? I wouldn’t think so… I loved The Visitor, which has plenty of different skin colors.

Two minutes in to Host Hugh Jackman's opening song and dance number, I found myself forwarding the show in thirty-second increments until the opening number was finished. I was able to stomach some of the award presentations, and some of the speeches, and a funny skit with Seth Rogan and the guy from Spiderman.

After one particular commercial break, Jackman was standing there with his usual perma- smile, but there was something different. He wore a white tie, instead of black, and he also wore a corsage, so you knew there was going to be some singing. As Jackman began performing, I reached for the remote, but my hand froze, as I stared in wonderment at THE Sexiest-Man-Alive singing show tunes in high-def. Was it his white shirt and tie, or his flashy top hat? Was it his affable smile or maybe his plodding dance moves? By now, other dancers had joined Jackman, moving this way and that, singing snippets of musical numbers, new and old. At some point Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens joined the performance, as did Beyonce, who was showing a lot of skin. I like her. At this point, they were all singing different songs; it was a frenetic medley, going back and forth from one song to another, and back again. By the end they were trading line-for-line. When they finished, I thought, “Damn, that must’ve been hard to put together…pretty impressive performance…” I then blacked out when the demon possessing me left my body.

When I came to, I had to rewind the DVR a bit. I should have stayed passed out. Actors tried to read the teleprompter and be funny at the same time, Queen Latifah sang while they paid tribute to those who died in '08. Cuba Gooding tried to joke with Robert Downey Jr. about his role in Tropic Thunder to no avail, and Sarah Jessica Parker's boobies almost popped out of her dress. All-in-all, about as good as expected. Can't wait for next year!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Blog You Should Read: Miss Piggy Lunchbox

Miss Piggy Lunchbox is a well-written blog consisting mostly of music reviews, with a little bit of Northwest-via-Midwest humor, sports, and politics thrown in. It's obvious that the writer is way smart, but he doesn't go out of his way to make his audience feel way dumb, despite the occasional inside joke and computer code gag. He also does a great job of not over-explaining himself, a sin that I am guilty of from time-to-time.

The thing that makes this blog excel, besides the well-crafted, meaty posts, are the reviews of older albums. It's not often you run across a recently written review of 15 year old album. It makes you think about older music in a new light, and gives you an itch to go back and listen to albums you may have forgotten about. His reviews run the spectrum from grunge to country; new releases to 20 year old gems.

In a recent post, he reviews Dolly Parton's 16 Biggest Hits. He gives it 4.5 out of 5 lunchboxes. Here is a small taste:

“Jolene” and “Two Doors Down” are amazing and the fact that they’re head and shoulders above most everything else here probably pushes some songs that would be mixers on lesser albums down to keeper status. But “9 To 5” is the Best Song Ever. Oh, you think you know it, I can hear the chorus playing in your head right now, but let me tell you that what is playing in your head is nowhere near what the song sounds like. Just go listen to it and tell me I’m wrong. As the bass pumps with heat that only funk and disco bands were hitting it with in 1980 and the typewriter clicks and dings as a percussive instrument, your head will start to bob. As Parton sings “Tumble out of bed, and I stumble to the kitchen/Pour myself a cup of ambition,” you will involuntarily audibly agree because, oh, you know it, Dolly. By the time her “blood starts pumping” and “out on the street the traffic starts jumping,” you will think that going to work in an office in 1980 as a woman was the best thing of all time because never has the glass ceiling sounded so f**king good.
It was a pleasure to read, and it inspired me do two things; write this review & look for my copy of Dolly's 16 Biggest Hits.

Here is a link for those who like links at the bottom of the post. Enjoy.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

"We're Running Out Of Rich People In This Country" - Michele Bachmann

I normally don't touch politics for a couple of reasons; I ain't be smart enough, and the other not really important, but I want to let everyone know that although Michele Bachmann is my representative, I did not vote for her, and I believe she's a complete nut job.

She's been all over the news again for her latest bit of lunacy. In case you haven't read about it, here & here are links to the latest story.

And here is a link to the Dump Michele Bachmann blog, just for fun.

That's it, I'm out of politics forever!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Humorous Hymen Anecdote

Update: Apparently, I had some of the details wrong, so my sweetheart was kind enough to fill in the blanks...

The following conversation is between my sweetheart and her adorable mom:

Sweetheart: Hey mom. How's it going? How's sis?

Mom: I took her to the doctor Friday. Apparently she has mono. Now it's getting so bad her glands are swollen. You know how you have that hymen in the back of your throat? Her glands are so swollen she can feel her hymen.

Sweetheart: Mom...A hymen isn't in your throat.

Mom: Yes it is. You know, that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat.

Sweetheart:Mom, a hymen is the thing that used to be in your vagina. The thing in your throat is a uvula.

Mom: Are you sure? I thought I knew all of my medical terminology.

Sweetheart: I guess not mom. Medical school 25 years ago is much different than it is today.

Footnote: Both women were having this conversation at work, in cubical environments.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Cool Looking Urinal?

This urinal is from a bar in NE Minneapolis called Stasius Place.
Besides having to touch elbows with someone when both sides are in use, and being way too easy to pee on your shoes, it's pretty cool.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Why am I Reading

Not sure why, but I was reading an article on about Amy Adams, the lovely actress from Junebug, and Doubt. The article was talking about her being portrayed in the press as pure and innocent. Then they drop a bombshell...they're making Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian. Yep, a sequel to Night at the Museum, staring Ben Stiller. That's confusing enough, but what Amy Adams says about her butt is even more confusing...please enjoy this excerpt from the article:

  • ...She'll swap the Catholic nun robe she wore in Doubt for a pair of snug jodhpurs as Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian. "It's going to be an Amy Adams butt show," she says. "I was like, 'That's a lot of information.' I'm not known for showing my ass on camera, but there it is."
When I first read that, I thought - sweet, I'd love to see Amy Adams' butt, but then I thought about Night at the Museum and how it's a PG movie, mostly for why would she be showing her butt???

So then I finally re-read the article, and figured that jodhpurs might be key to my understanding what's going on, so I Googled the shit out of it, and finally learned that jodhpurs are those tight pants that jockey's wear. So now I know why it's going to be the Amy Adams butt show, but why did Amelia Earhart wear jodhpurs? Did all aviators wear them?

I do want to know, but now I'm too bored and lazy to Google it to find out for myself, so if anyone knows, please clue me in.

These are some lovely jodhpurs that you can buy at

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Groundhog Day Violence

This Groundhog Day, in a stunning turn of events, Punxsutawney Phil was beaten within an inch of his life, then held up for all to see as a warning to other groundhogs.

His handler, Ben Hughes, had this to say when asked for a comment:
"Every year he gets a little more uppity, and this year he finally pushed us too far."

Under the Sofa With Some Whiskey

Recently, a British man somehow got stuck under his sofa, and could not get up for 2 days, because of his back problems. He survived by sipping from a bottle of whiskey.

Let me see...2 days under a sofa...with a bottle of whiskey...
Four things come to mind:

  • Hell, I've done that voluntarily.
  • Is a sofa the same thing as a couch?
  • Sounds like my first honeymoon.
  • Sounds like a nice weekend.
That's it, that's all I got. Thanks for stopping by to read this nonsense.

Here's the entire story:
A BRITISH man survived more than two days trapped under his sofa by sipping from a bottle of whisky, it was reported today.

Joe Galliott fell against the sofa during a power cut at his home in Somerset, southwest England, and could not free himself because of back problems, the BBC reported.

He remained stuck for 60 hours in that position - during which time a bottle of whisky rolled close enough for him to open it - until a neighbour became concerned that Mr Galliott's curtains had not been drawn for two days.

"The whole settee tipped over catching me like a rat in a trap," the 65-year-old told the BBC.

"I took a sip of (the whisky) and thought, well this isn't too bad."

Mr Galliott, who spent five days in hospital recovering, admitted to becoming concerned after going so long without food or water: "It felt like a lifetime, you think you're there forever."

He told the broadcaster that he now kept a bottle of whisky next to the sofa "just in case".

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Late Night Commercials Are Different

I Saw this lady hawking her sexy wares on TV last night, luckily I had a camera near by...

I'm not saying she's not beautiful...just an odd choice to be on TV telling people to come down and get some sexy panties.

Maybe it's because she looks like my aunt Pearl, or maybe the organist from my childhood church. Yes, organist.

I'm happy to see a woman who looks like this on TV selling Gifts of Fantasy. Our society tends to look down upon people who buy/sell items such as these. We like to think that only "other" people are buying edible undies and ball gags to play with. We don't want to look in the mirror and realize that it's not just "dirty" people gettin' it on with plastic vaginas or sucking on 9" rubber phalluses (or maybe it should be Phalli). It's you and it's me. It's your mother and your father. It's the Mailman (or mail-chick), your teacher, your pilot, and especially your elected officials. People of the U.S.A., we are all sexual people, so let's get the sticks out of our asses, get naked, and get it on!

Give it up for the Fantasy Gifts Lady!