Friday, June 29, 2007

My Estranged Wife is Joining the NAVY!

My estranged wife, let's call her "Matilda", is a very liberal artist who questions the policies of the U.S. on a regular basis.
And now she is joining up to serve our country. She contacted me asking for all sorts of dates and for a copy of out marriage certificate. I asked why, and to my surprise, she said she is joining the Navy.
This news came as a surprise to say the least.
I can just see her now with her raw food diet and yoga teaching certificate following the orders of a 45 year old career Naval officer. Yeah right! Maybe she'll get the navy on a new yoga regimen and the U.S. Navy will become a more peaceful part of the U.S. war machine.

Here is scary-bad drawing of "Matilda" teaching a yoga class on the deck of an air craft carrier:

Thursday, June 21, 2007

This Bar Smells Musty

OK, my wife has been gone for a week, my friends are sick of me talking about her, so I'm done. No more writing about her. I'm still looking for my balls, but now I can move on and look for them in someone else's bed perhaps.

Here's just a horrendous drawing of me in a bar chatting up a babe:

Friday, June 15, 2007

My Balls Better Not Be In That Suitcase!

The original title to this post was going to be "MY WIFE IS A LYING CHEATING WHORE,", but I didn't even have the balls to go through with that. I need to find my balls and reattach them pronto!

This morning I helped my estranged wife pack up her things into a U-haul truck. She had been staying with me for three weeks and it had been awkward to say the least. As I am said to see our union come to an end and to see her move out of the state, I am relieved that I can put away any thoughts of us reconciling. After all, she did cheat on me, lie to me, treat me like shit and leave me. It's my fault, but she basically treated me like a puppy and once I grew out of my cute stage, it was time for her to move on.

Here is a horrendous drawing of me helping her pack the truck:

Before she left, I asked her if she fancied a roll in the hay for old time sake, but she did not bite and off she went to the land of dirt and Christian colleges.

I think I made a big step today in finding my balls. I didn't grovel or cry. I didn't beg her to stay. I gave her a hug, tried to bed her, and said goodbye.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

My Balls Are Not In The Hallway

Today I woke up in the hallway of my apartment building. After thinking a bit, I managed to piece together 2 facts about the previous night:

1. I left my apartment about 8:30PM to meet a couple of friends at the studio to jam. Not an official practice, just a session of grab ass.

2. I cracked open my first PBR and smoked my first bowl at approximately 8:50PM.

Then the next thing I remember, I'm waking up in my hallway with no evidence of foul play.

Below is a terrible drawing of me waking up in the hallway...

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Could My Balls Be In Oklahoma?

My live-in estranged wife left me a note for when I got home today, it read, "I'm renting a car and going home to see my family. Probably be back next week."

I was genuinely relieved since I was not making any headway in getting her to reconcile.

Then I started looking for a check that I needed to deposit. It was for about $200. I looked, but could not find it and I started to panic thinking that I lost it in a drug induced haze. I decided to message my wife to see if she had seen it. The response I got surprised me, but I guess it really should not have.
"I've got it. For emergency."

Emergency? That was a check made out to me! And we've been estranged for over 2 months!
I knew right then that I could never trust her and that being with her would be a huge mistake for me.

To her credit, she did not cash it and gave it back to me.

Here is a God-awful drawing of Sarah in her rental car:

Saturday, June 2, 2007

My Balls Get Further Away

It's been a week or so and despite my best moves and sparkling charm, my estranged wife is still estranged, but sharing a bed with me.
My life could not be worse! I'm living with my estranged wife. We are not having sex. We are not getting back together and we are sharing a freaking bed! I even let her borrow my car from time to time.
I'm starting to think I'll never find my balls.