Our Neighbors Part 1: The Cancer Neighbor

My lady and I live in a townhouse in the suburbs. Older folks who seem to hate us for our relative youth surround us. They scowl at us when they see us getting the mail. They frown at us when we start our grill. They ignore our courteous waves and half-assed smiles as our cars meet in our shared driveway. We make an effort and they seem set on not liking us.

THE CANCER NEIGHBOR

After starting the grill on our deck one afternoon, the neighbor that lives behind us walked over and said hi. I was excited as I peered down from my deck to this gray-haired beauty below. I was about to meet one of my neighbors, and I was positive she would like me. I could hardly handle my giddiness as she said, “Hi there, my name’s Marie. I’m your neighbor from behind you. I wish we didn’t have to meet like this, but…” And at this point, my giddiness turned to despair, as I am wise enough to know that the preface “I wish we didn’t have to meet like this,” meant bad news. She finished her sentence, “…your TV is really loud. My husband is dying of cancer. Can you please try to keep it down?”

I was of course friendly about it, acting as though I cared about her and her dying husband. “Oh, sure,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was so loud. We’ll keep it to a reasonable volume.” The fact that she tried to play the “dying of cancer” card, made me a little angry at the time, but I hid it well. Why would we care about her husband’s grave condition? What does that have to do with our loud TV? If you have a problem with our TV, just come and tell us to turn it down. I was pretty sour on her relating the two, especially when she spends 80% of the day out on her deck puffing on a heater and talking on her cordless landline telephone about how nifty it is that she can talk on the phone outside her house. When my mom was dying of cancer, at a much younger age than these folks are mind you, I could not have imagined using the “my mom is dying of cancer” card, although I am going to use the ”my mom died of cancer” card later in this story.

So after Marie told me to keep it down and that we, along with our loud TV and cancer were conspiring to kill her husband, I then asked her what time of day she notices the volume too loud. At night, afternoon, always? Her reaction was a bit puzzling, as she just stammered, “Um, eh, it’s just too loud.”

I reassured her we would keep it down, and told her my name and my lady’s name, after she asked, as if she cared what our names were. I certainly do not remember her name. Marie is just a name I made up for this little story.

A couple of weeks later, my lady and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and we could hear loud noises coming from our lovely neighbors. At which point I turned to my lady and said mockingly, “Turn your cancer down, it’s too loud!”

Now, before anybody gets angry, this is where I’m going to use the “my mom died of cancer” card. That and the fact that the Marie used her husband’s condition when telling us to be quieter, makes me feel good about my little joke. I’m ok with it. I felt bad at first, because we had our deck door open, and our deck backs up to their deck…so it is possible they could’ve heard me say it, but I’m going with the assumption they did not. Was it mean and childish? Sure, but Marie rubbed me the wrong way when she galloped over and said our TV was too loud for her cancer riddled husband. Just something about that…

So ends the story of our neighbor who is dying of cancer. Soon I will tell you about the other old woman who lives across the shared driveway. I’m pretty sure she’s running a homeless teen shelter, or an underage brothel. With her heart condition, I’m not sure how she can handle it.

When it's slow at work, we play with dolls...

Enjoy

Troy & Gabriella

I still can't believe Troy decided attend California to play basketball AND major in drama, just so he could be close to Gabriella! He is so romantic. I'm sure he could've played ball and been in drama at UA, but Cal. might just be a much needed change of scenery for Troy.

HD TV Rules

I've fallen in love with HDTV.
Last winter, we bought a plasma TV, and I continue to be amazed at how great the HD picture. So now we watch more TV than we should, but I've always been a "do things more than I should" sort of guy, so I'm not too surprised.

Here's an example of a baseball game in HD. Notice the extra wide screen and clear picture.

Now here's the same game in standard definition...

Staff Meeting Chatter

We had a staff meeting today, and as a female coworker of mine sat down next to me, the following conversation took place...I'm sure she thinks different of me now.

Me: Hi, how's it going?

Her: Good, how are you?

Me: Good, thanks. Wow, only 3 guys in here, and...ten women.

Her: Yeah...you're right. Why are you worried about that?

Me: I just like to know the count just in case something happens.

Model Robot or Robot Model?

The Japanese are at it again. Creating cool stuff.

This time they made a robot who can imitate the movements of real fashion models. I know there's a joke in there somewhere.

Here's the robot/model

I was sort of expecting a little more when it came to the body. Maybe some fake flesh and a bikini, or even just some clothes. But what is that? Nice job on the face, no doubt, but it's 2009! What gives? Where the hell is my Sex-Bot? I thought we'd all have lifelike Sex-Bots by now, and I was pretty sure the Japanese would be the ones who would bring us Sex-Bots, but now I'm feeling like my dream may die with me.

Also, isn't she kind of young? Would you let your daughter model at that age? Neither would I, even if she was a robot.

Tiger vs. Dolphin

At Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo, CA, a new exhibit opened last Thursday titled, Tiger vs. Dolphin. The following photo shows the customary pre-fight stare down and the dolphin's wry smile, of which the tiger says, "Gets my blood boiling!"


As for the actual fight, you would think they put the tiger into the water tank with the dolphin to begin the fight, but they actually take the dolphin out of the water and dump him on dry land next to the tiger. The tiger is undefeated so far.

Why would they pit a tiger against a dolphin? We asked that very question to the head zookeeper at Six Flags:

Zookeeper: We were trying to think of something nobody has ever seen. Something to capture people’s imagination. Imagine if you could see Babe Ruth face Roger Clemens? Or Walter Payton take on Barry Bonds in an arm wrestling match? How about Michael Jordan against Brett Favre in a no-holds-barred, full-contact pie-eating contest? I just like to think outside of the box, and let my imagination guide my immense talent, and pitting two great animals like this against each other, has always been a dream of mine.

Monday News Roundup

Here's some crap that's been happening.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer's publisher, the Hearst Corp., has decided to shut down the paper if no buyer comes forward by March 10. They do plan to continue as an online only publication. I work at a daily paper, and to see print editions disappearing is not a surprise, but still stirs up my mixed emotions. Lots of folks still love touching and reading the actual printed paper, but more and more, those people are going to die, and the newer generations could care less if they ever touch a printed paper. For people like me, and I hope to God you're not like me, who are in the middle area, not old enough to be die-hard print lovers, and not young enough to not have ever held a paper, we just have to get over it, and move on.


A new Japanese gadget makes it possible to change settings on your iPod by using facial expressions. Looks good to me.



In Paris, Indian designer Manish Arora paraded out his latest creation; Clothes to make you look like a kitty.



High School sophomore Macie Morse was born nearly blind, but underwent experimental stem-cell injection treatment in China, and now has her driver's license. I'm not a scientist, and do not claim to know much about this sort of research, but it seems to have a lot of promise, so why is it still experimental? Here's a link to the Stem Cell Research Blog. And if you're against stem cell research because of some high moral religious ground you're standing on? Then f**k off with 'ya.



It turns out horses actually do gallop regally in formation in the wild, as these horses did in Germany in February. And it was not for a Budweiser commercial.



In St. Felicien, which Google says is in Quebec, researches have been busy teaching polar bears to wave. It seems they are getting pretty close...

WAMB Investigative Report on Pistola Whipped

There’s a new blog out there called Pistola Whipped Gets a Life. The lady-blogger who operates the blog recently called me out! Right after she gets all high and mighty about interviewing Salt-n-Pepa, she calls me out...

“…I think I'm in the lead for the Most Popular Blog contest (take that Midnight Toker)! All right, I gotta dip…”

The investigative team here at Where Are My Balls as uncovered some information about Salt-n-Pepa’s treatment by Pistola Whipped behind the scenes. The following is a transcript of Pistola Whipped on the phone, talking with her assistant, while she waited for Salt-n-Pepa to get on the line to begin the interview. She had no idea someone was recording…

Pistola Whipped: What is taking those lazy SOB’s so long? Do you think they’re having a 3-way with MC Hammer?

Assistant: What about Spinderella? Wouldn’t it be a 4-way?

Pistola Whipped: Come on, keep up, we’re just interviewing Salt & Pep today, no Spinderella, hence a 3-way, not a 4-way. Can you just stop trying to piss me off? I know you’re dumb, you don’t need to try to prove it every five minutes. I cannot wait to get out of here and get me a drink. Do you think the big one is super fat now? Jesus, what time is it? Those fucking ass-…

Pepa: Hello?

There you have it, a frightening look at how Pistola Whipped handles herself behind the scenes. She’s appears to be smug, crass, and mean.

We also have obtained a photo of Pistola Whipped when she was in grade school. It clearly shows a messed up child, who grew up into the nasty-mouthed Pistola Whipped.

(Pistola Whipped pictured in the front in blue)

Pistola Whipped, you need to clean up your act if you ever want to beat me.

Michelle Rodriguez Has a Dirty Mouth

Recently a TMZ photog asked Michelle Rodriguez:

Photog: "How's the community service going?"
Rodriguez: "How's the cock sucking going, brother?"

TMZ says that she said "dick" sucking, but I watched the video, and I think she says "cock". It's hard because both words end in 'ck". Either way, I thought it was funny, but I’m a degenerate.

Go HERE to see the video on TMZ.

Celebrity Spotlight: Siegfried and Roy

Today’s celebrity Spotlight shines on Siegfried & Roy.

A tiger almost killed one them a few years ago. Interestingly enough, the other one's favorite song is "Eye of the Tiger".


Here they are in their prime.

MidnightToker is Stalking on Facebook

I had some down time at work this morning. Logically, I ended up looking on Facebook for a girl who had a big crush on me in high school. I never cared about her, never even talked to her, but I ended up at Facebook anyway. I guess deep down I'm worried that her life went off the tracks after graduation when she finally realized she couldn't have me. Her inability to have me probably shattered her whole existence, and I can only imagine she ended up in a mental institution eerily repeating my name.

I guess I could always go to a class reunion or one of the all-class bar parties and ask around, but I probably won’t. My school just had an all-school party last week that I did not attend. Of course, I did stalk my way onto Facebook in hopes someone had posted some tasty photos of the event. It was my lucky day. Someone, in fact, multiple someones, had posted photos of the night. Unfortunately, it was very unsatisfying. A lot of bald heads, and expanded waistlines; many people I barely knew, and even more I never wanted to know.

You know, I've learned something today. I’ve learned that no matter how much you try to forget your past, it may come back to you someday when you least expect it. I learned that not everybody is on Facebook. I learned that many of the people I went to high school with are now bald and/or fat, at least fatter and balder than I am, and that will help me sleep very well tonight, because, if I’m anything, I’m a vain jackass.