Slacker at a Staff Meeting

Department meetings have long been the bane of any good slacker’s existence. Take a quiet room, add all the bosses and coworkers, and nothing good can come of that.

What do I usually think about during staff meetings?

Revenue attainment? No.

Attendance policies? No.

Department goals? Hell no.

I usually start by going around the room and guessing who is gay, straight or bisexual. That usually burns about 5 minutes, then it’s on to what I’m going to eat for lunch; will it be a burger, or maybe a slice of pizza? By the time I get done daydreaming about the Three Musketeers bar that I’ll be eating to follow up lunch, 15 minutes are burned up. Only 45 minutes left.

I then usually tune into the meeting for a minute or so just in time to hear, “...and this time we mean it, only one tardy per month, and then its right to the written warning.”

Then my eyes wander around the room again, trying to picture what the older ladies looked like when they were my age. That always leads the gross out portion of the meeting where I think about the old ladies getting it on with their old husbands. After throwing up in my mouth a little, I rinse with some water and move on to the age-old time-waster doodling. On a good day, I can doodle for almost 10 minutes without really trying, and then the meeting is damn near half over. At this point, I’ll think to myself “If they only knew that I had sex in this very conference room…” It was with my wife, but before we were married, so not only should they have fire me, but if the Catholics are right, I’m also going to hell, unless God turns out to be a swinger.

Down to the home stretch I usually start thinking about it is emptying my bladder, so I start tapping my leg and wondering if they plan to upgrade any of the bathrooms on our floor with the automatic flushers like they have in the bathroom across from the CEO’s office. I even think about asking it aloud, but I never do.

At some point during the meeting, clapping will break out because of some award or guest speaker. It’s easy to join in once I hear it, so the bosses think I’m paying attention, but sometimes it breaks me out of a good sex and/or murder fantasy.

By the time we get close to the end, I start tuning in a little to see where we are on the official agenda sitting on the table in front of me, then I show my friend my doodles and like magic, the meeting is over and I didn’t learn or hear a damn thing. Then it’s off to the bathroom.