Waffles in the Back Seat

I got into my sweetheart's car this last Saturday morning, and noticed a box of whole wheat frozen waffles in the back seat. I asked her to explain...
She explained that she brought the waffles to work Friday, and when she got home, she forgot them in the car. Fair enough, but then she explained her thinking to me:
"I'll just leave them in the car, so I'll have them for work on Monday, and if I want one this weekend, I'll just go down to the garage and get one."

She is awesome.

Super Bowl Nostalgia

In January 1988, Chubby Checker performed at halftime of Super Bowl XXII. And he apparently borrowed a blouse from Diana Ross.


Top Ten Super Bowl Halftime Shows (SI Vault)

My Nephew Does The Sprinkler

Earlier in the fall, my sister dropped by with my youngest nephews, and he demonstrated one of the dance techniques he's been working on...The Sprinkler.

I had a chance to catch up with my youngest nephew and ask him a few questions about his moves....

Midnight Toker: So, how did you learn to dance like that?

Youngest Nephew: Good question, and thanks for asking. When I was about 13 months old, I found an old record in the garage. It was a novelty album put out in the 80's by the WWF, the wrestling organization...or should I say WWE, since they were forced to change their name after a law suit, but I digress...The 1st song on the album is Land of a Thousand Dances, and it features all sorts of dances. I was curious about them, so I looked them up online. My whole life I had been looking for a purpose, and from the moment I researched all the different ways you can dance, I was hooked. I knew I'd be dancing the rest of my life.

Midnight Toker: Wow, that is quite a story, and an inspiring one. I hope other toddlers listen to what you have to say and let your words inspire them.

Youngest Nephew: I hope so too. If I can inspire just one little one to take up dancing, it'll all be worth while.

Midnight Toker: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Youngest Nephew: No. Go ahead, shoot.

Midnight Toker: Now, please be honest, did you poop your diaper?

Youngest Nephew: Yeah, so what, I haven't even started potty training yet.

Midnight Toker: OK, good to see you, little guy...Where's your mommy?...

Pet Names

I enjoy using pet names for my lady. Like gal, babe, sweet-tits, etc, but it seems that for every gal who likes being called gal, there's a babe who hates being called gal, and would rather be called sweet-tits.

I think it would be very fascinating for someone to take a poll of some average sweethearts to see what nicknames they like and dislike...if I were not such a lazy man, I would be that someone, but here some of the nicknames I would ask those doll faces about:

How about lady? As in: Hey there lady, how was your day?
or babe? Hey babe, how was your day?
or baby? Hey baby, could you get me a beer?
or darling? Hey darling, could you get me another beer...with less lip this time!
or honey? Hey honey, do you know where my ball-gag is?
or sweetie? Hey sweetie, I think you dropped something, you better bend over to pick it up...

Wicked Sin

OK, so almost 2 years after my estranged wife left me...and my divorce papers are finally filed with the court and I will officially be divorced within 2 weeks! I'm very happy about this.

Now, on to other matters...For over a year now, I've been living in wicked sin with my new lady friend, let's call her Lady. So I am simply ecstatic that soon I will only be living in just regular sin. Lady is also very happy. When I talked to her earlier, she had this to say, "I am very happy." Very well put, Lady.

Here's a horrendous drawing of Lady & I grilling in the suburbs:

Happy May Day!

Someone shit on my friend's garage door. Here's a photo of it.

I am 100% against shitting on stranger's garages. Again, Happy May Day 2008!

Birds Get Up Early

I'm lucky enough to have a bird living outside of my bedroom window. Every morning at approximately 5:30 AM, it starts to make its morning sounds, even on Saturday and Sunday. I know nothing about birds, but it's not the normal chirping bird, it has a weird warbling sound, very distinct, very loud, and very random.

LadyToker and I have a nickname for this bird: Fuck Face.

Overheard...In My Apartment

Me: Do 'ya think Hitler liked blowjobs?

LadyToker: Yeah, I bet Hitler liked blowjobs.

Me: Do you think he needed to have violent weird sex?

LadyToker: I think it's safe to assume that the most evil man to ever live had a voracious appetite only fulfilled by sick and depraved activities.

Me: So you think the more evil someone is, the more sick their sex life is?

LadyToker: Well, maybe.

Me: I don't know, I can picture Hitler sidling up to Eva Braun on their bunker couch, and moving from one base to another, slowly and carefully until he enters her and makes sweet love to her right there on the bunker couch...conversely, I'm not sure I could see Gandhi goin' to town from behind on a big booty bitch, slapping her ass red. Can you picture either of those?

LadyToker: I'm going to sleep now.

Eating Twizzlers And Making Eye Contact

Is it OK to make eye contact with a coworker while eating a Twizzler? Take it from me, it can be uncomfortable, and recently, after a coworker offered me some Twizzlers, I found myself eating it and making eye contact. It didn't last long. It felt wrong, so I averted my eyes.

I don't think it's a male/male thing either, no matter what combination you have, it can be uncomfortable wrapping you lips around a phallic food whilst making eye contact. Of course, unless you are trying to flirt with someone, then I say it's OK for women to do this, but never men.

Stealing From The Elderly

Recently at my dad’s senior apartment complex, there was an incident where someone snuck in the front door, and proceeded to walk into someone’s unlocked apartment and steal some cash. After that, they decided to change the locks on the front and back doors and not give any family members keys, so we have to buzz every time we go visit. Which is fine, except that every time I go there, the little old ladies look at me like I’m going to rape them. They are all scared and very skeptical of anybody under 60 years of age.

Why do the family members need to be punished by not having keys, when the person who snuck in didn't have a key? So now they building has new locks, we all have to get buzzed in, the old ladies are afraid, and I'm sure some senile bat will accidentally let another petty thief in at some point. So what was the point of changing the locks, taking away the keys and making everyone scared? A simple memo to the residents reminding them not to let in strangers would've sufficed.

I’ve been going to this place twice a week for almost 3 years, and many of the ladies once knew me. But one thing about getting old, you forget shit, and evidentially every one of those old biddies has forgotten who I am, or they have decided to take out their frustration of not having any loved ones to visit them on other visitors. I am sick of going to visit my dad and having to justify my presence to a multitude of mature ladies.

Yesterday my dad would not answer his phone and some hag came to the door while I was trying to contact him to buzz me. I made eye contact and said hello and she hit me back with a cold stare and, “You know, I can’t let you in,” as she quickly shut the door behind her. Some old crone leaves her door unlocked and gets robbed, and now they are all scared for their lives. It just seems like an overreaction. After I finally got in, I walked up the stairs to my dad’s place on the second floor, and as I opened the stairway door, a lady, who has seen me there dozens of times, was there to greet me accusingly with, “Did you just come in the back door?” At this point, fed up with prying minds and eyes, I laughed, shook my head, grunted no, and then walked into my father’s apartment.

I realize I am being a little tough on these elderly ladies, but most of the men in the complex talk to me, know my name, open the door for me, etc. I also realize that being scared is a normal thing and Americans are really good at being scared, and old Americans are even better at it, but it really gets to me that I can’t go visit my seventy-year-old father without being questioned like I’m there to rape an old woman or steal the two dollar bill on their nightstand.

This Blog Sucks

I'm sorry this blog sucks lately. The search for my balls has gone very well and I'm 99% sure I've found them, and that is the reason this blog sucks. But I am going to try to change that, so check back.
Here's an awful drawing of the touching reunion between me and my balls...

Empty Bottles and Kids

I was parked outside a strip mall that has a Subway and a liquor store in it. Next to my car a sedan pulled up with 2 adult males and a 3 year old boy. The one man held the boy while the other man cleaned out the back seat of the car. Since there was a big garbage can in front of the liquor store, he thought he'd tidy up a bit. After reaching down in the back seat, his hands were full, and from my vantage point, I could for sure make out 2 empty Corona beer bottles and other misc trash. He tossed the open bottles, then escorted his friend with the boy into the liquor store. They purchased some booze, and got back into the car. The man with the boy got into the back seat where the boy sat on the man's lap. No car seat. No seat belts.

It was a perfect storm of wrongness and I'll be honest, it was fun to watch.
The following is my attempt to low-pro a photo of the 2 men. It didn't turn out so well.