Wicked Sin

OK, so almost 2 years after my estranged wife left me...and my divorce papers are finally filed with the court and I will officially be divorced within 2 weeks! I'm very happy about this.

Now, on to other matters...For over a year now, I've been living in wicked sin with my new lady friend, let's call her Lady. So I am simply ecstatic that soon I will only be living in just regular sin. Lady is also very happy. When I talked to her earlier, she had this to say, "I am very happy." Very well put, Lady.

Here's a horrendous drawing of Lady & I grilling in the suburbs:

Dating Advice From My Friends

My estranged wife & I met over 6 years ago, so I haven't "dated" since then. I haven't had to ask someone for a number, decide where to go on a first date, flirt, compliment, etc for over 6 years! Honestly, I'm a little nervous about the prospect of rejection, but mostly about the money involved in dating. At my age, I should be putting my disposable income into a 401K instead of spending it at some fancy restaurant to impress a lady.

To help me in my re-entry into the dating scene, I asked a couple of friends for advice, here is some of the suggestions I was given. Keep in mind that I asked for good advice, not bad advice. I wonder if these people ever have 2nd dates...

Bill - "To break the ice when you're out on a date, refer to Indians as Punjab. Like you're driving to the restaurant and you see an Indian riding a bike, you'd say, "hey look, there's Punjab."

Johnny - "To find out if she's cool or not, give her a little smack right on her ass. Do it right away, like when you're walking to the car or from the car into the restaurant."

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm sure it will help a lot!

My cat did not want the couch to be moved, but it had to be

Over the weekend I moved out of my old apartment that I shared with my girlfriend/wife/estranged wife for almost 4 years. I'll be honest, packing up all the memories, knick-knacks, photos, her sewing materials and such, made me want to drive down to Oklahoma and punch my estranged wife in the face. Rational? Not really, but I'm pretty sure it would have made me feel better.

What precipitated the move was the fact that I wasn't able to afford my rent after my wife left and took all the savings we had, so I was asked (forced) to move out on pretty short notice.

I packed on Saturday, moved on Sunday. As the night fell on Sunday, I was able to finish getting all of my stuff moved, but I did leave piles of garbage bags packed with shit I don't want, along with pieces of furniture I no longer have a use for. Since my wife is also on the lease, my plan is to send my landlord a letter explaining that the stuff left in the apartment is hers and to bill her for any clean up. Ethical? Who knows. Personally rewarding? You bet your sweet ass!

Here is a stunningly bad drawing of my cat "Monster" going ape-shit and gouging my arm while I tried to remove her from the soon-to-be-moved couch:

My Estranged Wife is Joining the NAVY!

My estranged wife, let's call her "Matilda", is a very liberal artist who questions the policies of the U.S. on a regular basis.
And now she is joining up to serve our country. She contacted me asking for all sorts of dates and for a copy of out marriage certificate. I asked why, and to my surprise, she said she is joining the Navy.
This news came as a surprise to say the least.
I can just see her now with her raw food diet and yoga teaching certificate following the orders of a 45 year old career Naval officer. Yeah right! Maybe she'll get the navy on a new yoga regimen and the U.S. Navy will become a more peaceful part of the U.S. war machine.

Here is scary-bad drawing of "Matilda" teaching a yoga class on the deck of an air craft carrier:

This Bar Smells Musty

OK, my wife has been gone for a week, my friends are sick of me talking about her, so I'm done. No more writing about her. I'm still looking for my balls, but now I can move on and look for them in someone else's bed perhaps.

Here's just a horrendous drawing of me in a bar chatting up a babe:

My Balls Better Not Be In That Suitcase!

The original title to this post was going to be "MY WIFE IS A LYING CHEATING WHORE,", but I didn't even have the balls to go through with that. I need to find my balls and reattach them pronto!

This morning I helped my estranged wife pack up her things into a U-haul truck. She had been staying with me for three weeks and it had been awkward to say the least. As I am said to see our union come to an end and to see her move out of the state, I am relieved that I can put away any thoughts of us reconciling. After all, she did cheat on me, lie to me, treat me like shit and leave me. It's my fault, but she basically treated me like a puppy and once I grew out of my cute stage, it was time for her to move on.

Here is a horrendous drawing of me helping her pack the truck:


Before she left, I asked her if she fancied a roll in the hay for old time sake, but she did not bite and off she went to the land of dirt and Christian colleges.

I think I made a big step today in finding my balls. I didn't grovel or cry. I didn't beg her to stay. I gave her a hug, tried to bed her, and said goodbye.

Could My Balls Be In Oklahoma?

My live-in estranged wife left me a note for when I got home today, it read, "I'm renting a car and going home to see my family. Probably be back next week."

I was genuinely relieved since I was not making any headway in getting her to reconcile.

Then I started looking for a check that I needed to deposit. It was for about $200. I looked, but could not find it and I started to panic thinking that I lost it in a drug induced haze. I decided to message my wife to see if she had seen it. The response I got surprised me, but I guess it really should not have.
"I've got it. For emergency."

Emergency? That was a check made out to me! And we've been estranged for over 2 months!
I knew right then that I could never trust her and that being with her would be a huge mistake for me.

To her credit, she did not cash it and gave it back to me.

Here is a God-awful drawing of Sarah in her rental car:

My Balls Get Further Away

It's been a week or so and despite my best moves and sparkling charm, my estranged wife is still estranged, but sharing a bed with me.
My life could not be worse! I'm living with my estranged wife. We are not having sex. We are not getting back together and we are sharing a freaking bed! I even let her borrow my car from time to time.
I'm starting to think I'll never find my balls.

Search For Balls Takes a Setback

It's been almost two and a half months since my wife left me and the search for my balls has been moving along slow and steady, until now.

My wife called me up and wanted to get together, so we did. We had dinner and she told me all about her humanitarian trek in Nepal and I told her about all the beer I've been drinking and the search for my balls. I knew what was coming next, but I could not stop it. She needed a place to stay, I told her she could stay with me. Part of me wanted to get back together with her and part of me just wanted to have sex with her, so I told her she could stay in hopes that one of the 2 or maybe even both would happen. It's been 3 days and things have been civil and a little awkward. No sex, no reconciliation, no fights, no problems.

Here is a terrible drawing of us in bed:

Maybe My Wife Accidentally Packed My Balls...

My wife left me on March 13. One day after our 2 year anniversary.

She called me up during band practice. I answered it because we were on break. She said, "We need to talk. I'm not coming home tonight."
I told her OK and went on with practice.
The next morning she came home and told me she wanted a divorce. The normal begging, pleading, etc didn't work, so she left with bags full of her stuff.

This made me think about my balls and how I must've lost them somewhere along the way.
It might have been when she cheated on me during our 2nd year of dating and I took her back. Or maybe when she left me during our 3rd year of dating, then I took her back. Or maybe even when she cheated on me in our 1st year of marriage and I took her back. My balls could be anywhere and I need to find them, and I will search high and low until I locate them and reattach them.