Dog Eat Dog...Shit

Today I have a short & true story contributed from a friend of mine:

For anybody who owns a dog (in my case two) you may be aware of some of the revolting habits they may have. That one where they eat their own shit is the worst to me. It’s disgusting and even talking about it is making me sick.

The other morning I was up at 4:30am (early work day). I let my dear dogs out to use the outdoor facilities. I was busy grabbing some food for lunch and I looked out the window to check up on them. What I saw was horrifying, so if you have a weak stomach, don’t read what happened next. One of my dogs was defecating, which dogs will do, but my other dog was eating the shit right as it was coming out of his ass. I was ready to vomit. Normally I would yell at them with various curse words, but it was 4:30 in the morning, neighbors were sleeping, and it was 15 below outside. What could I do, really? Nothing, but share this story with you.

Cats & Wind Chimes Revisited

Yesterday, my boss Barb wore a necklace with a cat and a wind chime on it. I wrote in a previous entry about Barb’s blue sweatshirt with a cat & a wind chime, so here's what I'm wondering; if she wore the necklace and the sweatshirt together, would Martha Stewart have an orgasm? I bet she would, but we need not talk about such things.

I couldn't find a photo of a cat & wind chime necklace anywhere on the web, but I did find this, enjoy:

What Time Is It?

I asked a friend of mine for the time the other day, and she said, "It's three quarters to the hour."
And I was like, "What?"
And she was like, "It's three quarters to."
And I fought the urge to slap her and said, "No. It's a quarter after."
And then she went on to explain that "three quarters to" and "quarter after" take the same amount of time to say.
Then I asked if she ever says, "Three quarters after the hour."
And she said, "Sure."
And then I rolled my eyes and fought that urge again.
She kept insisting that both ways take the same amount of time to say, but I disagreed and we ended up having a three fifths an hour long argument.

Blog Review

I just received some awesome feedback on my blog from a female coworker. Here's what she had to say:

"I'd just like you to know that I read your blog and can no longer speak to you... because I'm scared. Deeply, fervently petrified for my female life." - A.J., Minneapolis, MN

Thanks for the feedback!

Another Creepy Old Ad - Suicidal Pig

I know it's not that original, but I just get a real kick out of these vintage ads, and it's just good old fashioned, old-timey fun.

Here we have a lovely ad for sausage. It's pretty self-explanatory, even though it's in French. The damn pig is butchering itself. Why would that make people want to eat sausage? Actually, the more I look at it, the more I do want a nice plump sausage.

Here is what the ad roughly reads:

One eats with pleasure and without tiredness.
Sausage from Auvergne
Purity
Food
Absolute
Good sausages of the COCHEN SPENDTHRIFT!

100th Post!

I'm not sure if anybody is going to care, but this is my 100th Post since starting this blog.

In light of this huge event in my life, I thought I'd make this post extra super duper special by sharing with you some silly stories and/or tidbits from my past that helped shape who I am today, and therefore, this blog.

• When I was 12, my mom waited in line with me at Great American Music to get Motley Crue tickets. As a result, I missed the first 2 hours of school. My mom forgot to write me a note about why I was late and when I was called into the VP's office, he asked me why I was late. I told him that my mom and I were waiting in line for Motley Crue tickets. He thought I was lying and sentenced me to 2 days of detention. Remember kids, the truth will send you to detention.
  
• When I was in the 8th grade, I inadvertently found out that my science teacher and my English teacher were having an elicit affair. At least that was my inference...I was running down the hallway between classes, and my English teacher told me to slow down. I stopped and told him to "cool out". That's when my science teacher, who overheard the comment, stormed towards me, grabbed me by my shirt and slammed me against the lockers. She demanded that I apologize to my English teacher at once. She was so angry, and adamant that I apologize, that I could only come to one conclusion; they were fucking.
  
• When I was 14, and my best friend was 15, we played in a Poison cover band. One day we were practicing in my parents' basement and we decided to see exactly how loud his guitar amp would go. We set the amp on the driveway, and while one of us put the volume dial on 10 and played, the other one got on a bike and pedaled down the street to see how far it carried. It was very loud, and we could hear it all the way down the block, but as we neared the end of our experiment, a police car pulled into the driveway. We only got a warning, but it was a stern one.
• When I was around 10 years old, some dude flashed my sister and I from his car. There was a whole big deal with cops and shit. I don't remember much about it, but maybe that's why I like to flash so much...
• One time, my dad got super pissed off at me and tore down my Rocky poster in a fit of rage. I tried to tape it together, but it was never the same. (I totally deserved his wrath, trust me)
• My best friend and I once encouraged a kid to put gasoline on his brand new leather gloves in order to get out a tiny paint stain. From then on, those tan leather gloves never smelled of anything other than gas.
• Here is a photo of my family on vacation in the Ozark Mountains. We are the 4 peeps on the left, and on the right, are some strangers. It's one of those photos that is taken professionally by the attraction you are visiting, and for some reason they couldn't take a photo of each family, we all had to pose together. I'm the little boy in the pimp pants being held by mommy...
  

Thanks for walking down memory lane with me, and enduring my gratuitous use of bold type. I love you all very much. Well, not you, George.

My Surly Coworker

I have this male friend/coworker that I sit next to at work. I like to think of him as my work spouse. Here are some things he's said to me:

"Don't poop where I poop, go to your secret pooping place."

"I've got a kink only you can work out."

"You're a strange man, and I don't mean that in a good way."

"It's only a short matter of time until we die."

"You are my taco-faced love."

After telling me about the old shotgun his step-father gave him:
"You never know when something's gonna need killin'."

"I just want you to hurt."

Model of Maturity Part 2

Let me share with you a quick, but stupid story of my maturity, or lack of.

It was a slow day at work and the snow had been lightly falling most of the day. Around 7PM, I went out back to have a smoke and saw the snow had stopped. I saw a car parked on the street with a handicap placard where a coworker with a bad knee usually parked. It had a clean, smooth, fresh coating of snow, so of course I drew a huge phallus on the window. I was very proud of myself. I left work before he did, so I didn't have a chance to see his reaction.

The next day, I was having a smoke out back before starting my shift, and I saw the same car pull up with the handicap placard, but it wasn't him, it was some lady I had never seen before. I nodded hello as she walked by me as I realized that I had drawn a phallus on some random woman's car window.

I felt bad, but kept it all inside, until now. Wanna know what else I have inside? No, you don't.

Here is a horrible rendering of the car in question:

Breaking Down Super Bowl XLII

It was a great Super Bowl...

What Does Emo-Clown Say?

Emo-Clown says, "I'm sad because I tried to cut myself, but all my knives are crazy-rubber-clown knives."

Commentary on Society

The other day, I saw a baby bib on the sidewalk outside of work. It was abandoned, lost and forgotten. It was laying there shouting out to me to take its photo and tell its story.

This is not just an abandoned bib, it is a medaphor for life, relationships, babies, families and death. It speaks to me and the world on a level sometimes hard to understand, and other times, a little too scary to understand...

Just kidding y'all! It's a fucking abandoned bib and it looked weird laying there all flat on the sidewalk and I snapped a photo. Isn't it neat. But what if...what if I were to be as serious as the above paragraph? I'll tell you what if; I'd kick my own ass. Badly. I'd beat my face until my teeth were embedded into my cheeks. It would be ugly.

Why don't we all take this opportunity to laugh and to help those who take life too seriously to settle the heck down, and to laugh at yourself, or at least laugh at your siblings, or your spouse, or your girlfriend or boyfriend or your boss, or maybe your imaginary friend, or even your creepy little dolls you keep lined up on the couch to keep you company.

Bye now.

It's Nice To Have A Girl Around The House

Especially in the winter, when you have lots of snow and mud to wipe off.

My feeble little mind cannot figure out what this vintage ad is saying. It appears that it's for Leggs, which I do believe is a pantyhose maker, or something of that ilk. So I guess the message is, "It's nice to have a girl around the house" in pantyhose so you can put her in a tiger costume and step on her like a rug. Pretty sick fetish if you ask me. I guess I'm in the minority in thinking women are humans just like men. Maybe they aren't...

If any of you all have a good interpretation of this ad, please let me know.