Maybe My Balls Are On Tour With Lady GaGa

I recently proclaimed the following about the possibility of my fiancée going to a Lady GaGa concert for her bachelorette party:

“I am so jealous.”

I have to go make sure Lady GaGa doesn’t sew my balls into her costume.

Interview With Heidi Montag's Former Manager/Psychic’s Web Site

Heidi Montag fired her manager/psychic last week. I decided to interview him to see if he could help me as my manager/psychic/ball wrangler. And since I have no way to actually interview this guy, I used information from his web site for all of his answers. (aidenchase.com)

Me: Mr. Chase, I know you were Heidi's manager/psychic for only 7 days, but were you able to impart any wisdom into Heidi's life in that short time?

Aiden Chase: I am Aiden Chase.

Me: And we’re off to a great start. Aiden, explain a little bit of what you’d do for me as my manager/psychic.

Mr. Chase: I am a healer and intuitive. I believe in light and love. My psychic gifts include clairvoyance, clairaudience, and clairsentience. Joining and participating with us on every healing are the angelic forces of light and love, healing and protection; ancient Native American spirit healers; your ancestors and passed-on family who choose to help guide us in your healing. In addition, I use many ancient world and inter-dimensional energy healing techniques and modalities including energetic calibration, powerful and sacred rocks, crystals, touch, sound, aroma and music.

Me: Wow. That sounds really lame. Is that what you wanted me to think?

Mr. Chase: Free yourself from negative life history and bring yourself closer to your soul's purpose and life intention.

Me: OK, Mr. Chase, I’m still a little stuck on what you do. What did you do with Heidi?

Mr. Chase: The process I use is called the laying-on of hands or spiritual healing. I am a channel for healing energy. Together we connect to the light healing force of love.

Me: So you had sex with her. Good work, now tell me about what you could do for me as my manager/psychic, because I do not want to have sex with you.

Mr Chase: Although this sounds mysterious or religious, it is neither. All humans have an energy field or aura that surrounds and interpenetrates the physical body…

Me: It sounds a little bit like you're going to try to f*ck me.

Mr. Chase: Ultimately, healing is connecting to yourself... your spirit's or soul's purpose. Remember, I look deep inside to reveal what the soul is asking for.

Me: I’m sorry Mr. Chase, now it sounds like you’re going to f*ck my soul. I have to go.

Mr. Chase with a crystal

Twins vs Red Sox - 24 Days Away!

I just got my tickets in the mail for the opening series at brand new Target Field! It'll be just my 2nd outdoor MLB game! As you can see by all the exclamation points, I am very excited!

Wedding Idea From Surly Coworker

My Surly Coworker, who is also a groomsman, approached me with a wedding idea. He wants us to "jort it up"...

Ever What?

Ever walk into the bathroom, see a coworker you don't like very well standing at the urinal, and you don't want to pee next to him and/or talk to him, and there's only one other urinal right next to him, so you go into the stall and since you don't want to pee in the stall, you just wait until the guy is done, but he takes a long time because of his bad prostate, then someone else walks in and the original guy is done, but now the new guy is peeing, so you wait and wait, then the new guy gets done and has to blow his nose and wash his coffee cup, then he dries his coffee cup and finally leaves, leaving you free to come out and pee at the urinal?

Yeah...neither have I.

Spring Break!

If you look super close at the photo below, you will eventually see a monkey. Once you see the monkey, you should be able to see the leash and the hand holding the leash. The hand of a man, I’m assuming. A man whom I hate, not because I’m jealous, well, not 100% because I’m jealous, but just because in my world, only a real douche bag walks a monkey around as a tool to meet women on a Cancun beach filled with 19-year-old college girls…oh, wait a minute, I have just changed my mind in mid-post. This has never happened before…this man is now my hero. Seriously, he is using a monkey on a leash to meet 19-year-old American college girls on a beach in Mexico! Well done.

The Snow Won't Be Gone Long

For those of you in the upper Midwest...Only 8 months left until the snow comes back!
Do your best to withstand the upcoming months of snowless days and nights. Soon you'll be back on the slopes, and back shoveling the walk.

Here’s what it looked like about a month ago and what it will soon return to:

Chocolate Eclair Walleye?

The following photo did not come from another web site, or from an email forward from my grandma, I was going through the drive-through at Culver’s the other day and snapped a photo of their sign advertising Today’s Flavor:

CHOCOLATE ECLAIR
WALLEYE IS BACK

I’m almost positive they are advertising two distinct items, but the way it looks, it does make you think…Is Chocolate Éclair Walleye back? Is it possible they put together these two yummy foods into one mouth-watering taste explosion?..then took it away, then brought it back?...all without me knowing about it?

Tech Support Took My Balls

There's a program at work I need to log into maybe once a week. Last week it forced me to change my password...and this week I forgot what it was. With no luck finding it written down somewhere, I wrote an email to Mat, one of those weaselly tech support guys who thinks he's better than anybody who owns just one computer.

Unfortunately, my balls decided to leave me before writing the email, and out spewed the following, spineless, self-deprecating email:

Mat,

When I changed my password last week, I had little foresight and did not save it in my browser, and stupidly did not write it down anywhere. Since I have so many passwords, my tiny brain couldn’t keep this one contained. I know, I’m a moron, and shouldn’t be allowed near a computer. I know you are very important, very busy, and have 10 computers going at once, but if you can spare a minute of your hectic day, could you send me my password? I am so sorry for causing this inconvenience.

OK, so it didn’t have those exact words, but it was close. If I still had my balls, I would’ve simply said this:

Mat ,
Could you please send me my password?
Thanks.

Or:

Mat – I need my password ASAP.

Or even:

Mat…drank too much this weekend…forgot my password.
Thanks bro!

Or:

Mat,
Wild weekend…lost my wallet at a donkey show in Mexico. My password was in there.

Mr. Rooney Goes to the Bathroom

Here is a never-before-seen Andy Rooney report on public bathrooms.

Ever been in one of these public bathrooms? It’s a big tiled room with sinks, urinals and stalls. Sometimes the urinals have nothing separating them, sometimes there’s a small partition in between. That partition never seems to be high enough. Most of the time you’re able to look over the partition and right down at the guy next to you, so why have the partition there at all? Most of these bathrooms have at least 2 stalls with doors where you can sit and do your business, but I’ve seen some stalls that don’t have doors at all. Why would a stall not have a door? Are they still called "stalls" if it doesn't have a door?

When I'm sitting in a stall, and someone's at the urinal, I try to guess the size of their penis by the sound their stream makes. I wonder if there is a connection between penis size and the heaviness of the stream. It makes sense to me that the bigger the penis, the bigger the hole, and the bigger the stream, but I can’t be sure.

And what about these automatic sinks? I put my hands under the faucet and nothing comes out, then I take them away and the water starts, but by the time I put my hands back under the faucet, the water stops. I just can’t time it right.

In my day, we didn’t worry about all these germs. I never heard of someone dying of urine germ infection. We just wiped our hands on our pants and went on with the day.

Groomzilla

I’m pretty sure my balls are hanging out at the bridal shop. My controlling ways have gotten me in trouble again. Somehow, I’ve ended up being way more involved in planning our wedding than most men care to be, and the other day I ended up yelling at my fiancee, “Do you even want to get married?”

The details are not important. What is important is that I hop on my pink Hannah Montana-branded bicycle, ride over to the bridal shop, and pick up my balls! I’m off...

Good Morning

This morning in line at the gas station, a woman in front of me searched her purse for a free coffee coupon, as I waited patiently behind her. The other employee peered through binoculars at a license plate. The woman finally found the coupon, handed it to the cashier, and then ordered a pack of smokes. When asked for her ID, she stated she only had a paper one, because her dog ate her actual license, to which the cashier said it’s usually her cat that does that sort of thing in her house.
So...yeah.

This Time I Mean It

In the last couple of years, I have located my balls on occasion, even keeping them for months at a time. I've become so attached to them, I proposed to my lady on New Year's Day, and we're getting married this August.

One may ask, "Are you worried about losing your balls once you get married?" And I would tell one that I'm well aware of the stereotype that men lose their balls after marriage, but I am proud to say I lost my balls years before meeting my future wife...and found them...lost them...and found them again. I now know that keeping track of my balls will be a lifelong battle, whether I'm married or not. I'm not too naive to think that getting married again won’t have an impact on my balls, but I'm going to fight through it like I always have and keep reattaching those things. After all, the alternative is giving up, and letting my balls escape forever into the wild, and I'm positive they would not survived on their own.

Here's a photo of Art Garfunkel.
He's been married twice and has expressed regret in not marrying a third woman.

Our Neighbors Part 1: The Cancer Neighbor

My lady and I live in a townhouse in the suburbs. Older folks who seem to hate us for our relative youth surround us. They scowl at us when they see us getting the mail. They frown at us when we start our grill. They ignore our courteous waves and half-assed smiles as our cars meet in our shared driveway. We make an effort and they seem set on not liking us.

THE CANCER NEIGHBOR

After starting the grill on our deck one afternoon, the neighbor that lives behind us walked over and said hi. I was excited as I peered down from my deck to this gray-haired beauty below. I was about to meet one of my neighbors, and I was positive she would like me. I could hardly handle my giddiness as she said, “Hi there, my name’s Marie. I’m your neighbor from behind you. I wish we didn’t have to meet like this, but…” And at this point, my giddiness turned to despair, as I am wise enough to know that the preface “I wish we didn’t have to meet like this,” meant bad news. She finished her sentence, “…your TV is really loud. My husband is dying of cancer. Can you please try to keep it down?”

I was of course friendly about it, acting as though I cared about her and her dying husband. “Oh, sure,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was so loud. We’ll keep it to a reasonable volume.” The fact that she tried to play the “dying of cancer” card, made me a little angry at the time, but I hid it well. Why would we care about her husband’s grave condition? What does that have to do with our loud TV? If you have a problem with our TV, just come and tell us to turn it down. I was pretty sour on her relating the two, especially when she spends 80% of the day out on her deck puffing on a heater and talking on her cordless landline telephone about how nifty it is that she can talk on the phone outside her house. When my mom was dying of cancer, at a much younger age than these folks are mind you, I could not have imagined using the “my mom is dying of cancer” card, although I am going to use the ”my mom died of cancer” card later in this story.

So after Marie told me to keep it down and that we, along with our loud TV and cancer were conspiring to kill her husband, I then asked her what time of day she notices the volume too loud. At night, afternoon, always? Her reaction was a bit puzzling, as she just stammered, “Um, eh, it’s just too loud.”

I reassured her we would keep it down, and told her my name and my lady’s name, after she asked, as if she cared what our names were. I certainly do not remember her name. Marie is just a name I made up for this little story.

A couple of weeks later, my lady and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and we could hear loud noises coming from our lovely neighbors. At which point I turned to my lady and said mockingly, “Turn your cancer down, it’s too loud!”

Now, before anybody gets angry, this is where I’m going to use the “my mom died of cancer” card. That and the fact that the Marie used her husband’s condition when telling us to be quieter, makes me feel good about my little joke. I’m ok with it. I felt bad at first, because we had our deck door open, and our deck backs up to their deck…so it is possible they could’ve heard me say it, but I’m going with the assumption they did not. Was it mean and childish? Sure, but Marie rubbed me the wrong way when she galloped over and said our TV was too loud for her cancer riddled husband. Just something about that…

So ends the story of our neighbor who is dying of cancer. Soon I will tell you about the other old woman who lives across the shared driveway. I’m pretty sure she’s running a homeless teen shelter, or an underage brothel. With her heart condition, I’m not sure how she can handle it.

When it's slow at work, we play with dolls...

Enjoy

Troy & Gabriella

I still can't believe Troy decided attend California to play basketball AND major in drama, just so he could be close to Gabriella! He is so romantic. I'm sure he could've played ball and been in drama at UA, but Cal. might just be a much needed change of scenery for Troy.

HD TV Rules

I've fallen in love with HDTV.
Last winter, we bought a plasma TV, and I continue to be amazed at how great the HD picture. So now we watch more TV than we should, but I've always been a "do things more than I should" sort of guy, so I'm not too surprised.

Here's an example of a baseball game in HD. Notice the extra wide screen and clear picture.

Now here's the same game in standard definition...

Staff Meeting Chatter

We had a staff meeting today, and as a female coworker of mine sat down next to me, the following conversation took place...I'm sure she thinks different of me now.

Me: Hi, how's it going?

Her: Good, how are you?

Me: Good, thanks. Wow, only 3 guys in here, and...ten women.

Her: Yeah...you're right. Why are you worried about that?

Me: I just like to know the count just in case something happens.

Model Robot or Robot Model?

The Japanese are at it again. Creating cool stuff.

This time they made a robot who can imitate the movements of real fashion models. I know there's a joke in there somewhere.

Here's the robot/model

I was sort of expecting a little more when it came to the body. Maybe some fake flesh and a bikini, or even just some clothes. But what is that? Nice job on the face, no doubt, but it's 2009! What gives? Where the hell is my Sex-Bot? I thought we'd all have lifelike Sex-Bots by now, and I was pretty sure the Japanese would be the ones who would bring us Sex-Bots, but now I'm feeling like my dream may die with me.

Also, isn't she kind of young? Would you let your daughter model at that age? Neither would I, even if she was a robot.

Tiger vs. Dolphin

At Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo, CA, a new exhibit opened last Thursday titled, Tiger vs. Dolphin. The following photo shows the customary pre-fight stare down and the dolphin's wry smile, of which the tiger says, "Gets my blood boiling!"


As for the actual fight, you would think they put the tiger into the water tank with the dolphin to begin the fight, but they actually take the dolphin out of the water and dump him on dry land next to the tiger. The tiger is undefeated so far.

Why would they pit a tiger against a dolphin? We asked that very question to the head zookeeper at Six Flags:

Zookeeper: We were trying to think of something nobody has ever seen. Something to capture people’s imagination. Imagine if you could see Babe Ruth face Roger Clemens? Or Walter Payton take on Barry Bonds in an arm wrestling match? How about Michael Jordan against Brett Favre in a no-holds-barred, full-contact pie-eating contest? I just like to think outside of the box, and let my imagination guide my immense talent, and pitting two great animals like this against each other, has always been a dream of mine.