Where are my balls?

Maybe My Balls Are On Tour With Lady GaGa

2010-03-23T08:15:00.004-05:00

I recently proclaimed the following about the possibility of my fiancée going to a Lady GaGa concert for her bachelorette party:

“I am so jealous.”

I have to go make sure Lady GaGa doesn’t sew my balls into her costume.

Interview With Heidi Montag's Former Manager/Psychic’s Web Site

2010-03-22T19:45:00.003-05:00

Heidi Montag fired her manager/psychic last week. I decided to interview him to see if he could help me as my manager/psychic/ball wrangler. And since I have no way to actually interview this guy, I used information from his web site for all of his answers. (aidenchase.com)

Me: Mr. Chase, I know you were Heidi's manager/psychic for only 7 days, but were you able to impart any wisdom into Heidi's life in that short time?

Aiden Chase: I am Aiden Chase.

Me: And we’re off to a great start. Aiden, explain a little bit of what you’d do for me as my manager/psychic.

Mr. Chase: I am a healer and intuitive. I believe in light and love. My psychic gifts include clairvoyance, clairaudience, and clairsentience. Joining and participating with us on every healing are the angelic forces of light and love, healing and protection; ancient Native American spirit healers; your ancestors and passed-on family who choose to help guide us in your healing. In addition, I use many ancient world and inter-dimensional energy healing techniques and modalities including energetic calibration, powerful and sacred rocks, crystals, touch, sound, aroma and music.

Me: Wow. That sounds really lame. Is that what you wanted me to think?

Mr. Chase: Free yourself from negative life history and bring yourself closer to your soul's purpose and life intention.

Me: OK, Mr. Chase, I’m still a little stuck on what you do. What did you do with Heidi?

Mr. Chase: The process I use is called the laying-on of hands or spiritual healing. I am a channel for healing energy. Together we connect to the light healing force of love.

Me: So you had sex with her. Good work, now tell me about what you could do for me as my manager/psychic, because I do not want to have sex with you.

Mr Chase: Although this sounds mysterious or religious, it is neither. All humans have an energy field or aura that surrounds and interpenetrates the physical body…

Me: It sounds a little bit like you're going to try to f*ck me.

Mr. Chase: Ultimately, healing is connecting to yourself... your spirit's or soul's purpose. Remember, I look deep inside to reveal what the soul is asking for.

Me: I’m sorry Mr. Chase, now it sounds like you’re going to f*ck my soul. I have to go.

Mr. Chase with a crystal

Twins vs Red Sox - 24 Days Away!

2010-03-19T14:27:00.009-05:00

I just got my tickets in the mail for the opening series at brand new Target Field! It'll be just my 2nd outdoor MLB game! As you can see by all the exclamation points, I am very excited!

Wedding Idea From Surly Coworker

2010-03-19T08:42:00.004-05:00

My Surly Coworker, who is also a groomsman, approached me with a wedding idea. He wants us to "jort it up"...

Ever What?

2010-03-18T10:23:00.004-05:00

Ever walk into the bathroom, see a coworker you don't like very well standing at the urinal, and you don't want to pee next to him and/or talk to him, and there's only one other urinal right next to him, so you go into the stall and since you don't want to pee in the stall, you just wait until the guy is done, but he takes a long time because of his bad prostate, then someone else walks in and the original guy is done, but now the new guy is peeing, so you wait and wait, then the new guy gets done and has to blow his nose and wash his coffee cup, then he dries his coffee cup and finally leaves, leaving you free to come out and pee at the urinal?

Yeah...neither have I.

Spring Break!

2010-03-17T11:23:00.000-05:00

If you look super close at the photo below, you will eventually see a monkey. Once you see the monkey, you should be able to see the leash and the hand holding the leash. The hand of a man, I’m assuming. A man whom I hate, not because I’m jealous, well, not 100% because I’m jealous, but just because in my world, only a real douche bag walks a monkey around as a tool to meet women on a Cancun beach filled with 19-year-old college girls…oh, wait a minute, I have just changed my mind in mid-post. This has never happened before…this man is now my hero. Seriously, he is using a monkey on a leash to meet 19-year-old American college girls on a beach in Mexico! Well done.

The Snow Won't Be Gone Long

2010-03-17T09:07:00.003-05:00

For those of you in the upper Midwest...Only 8 months left until the snow comes back!
Do your best to withstand the upcoming months of snowless days and nights. Soon you'll be back on the slopes, and back shoveling the walk.

Here’s what it looked like about a month ago and what it will soon return to:

Chocolate Eclair Walleye?

2010-03-16T14:32:00.001-05:00

The following photo did not come from another web site, or from an email forward from my grandma, I was going through the drive-through at Culver’s the other day and snapped a photo of their sign advertising Today’s Flavor:

CHOCOLATE ECLAIR
WALLEYE IS BACK

I’m almost positive they are advertising two distinct items, but the way it looks, it does make you think…Is Chocolate Éclair Walleye back? Is it possible they put together these two yummy foods into one mouth-watering taste explosion?..then took it away, then brought it back?...all without me knowing about it?

Tech Support Took My Balls

2010-03-16T09:05:00.002-05:00

There's a program at work I need to log into maybe once a week. Last week it forced me to change my password...and this week I forgot what it was. With no luck finding it written down somewhere, I wrote an email to Mat, one of those weaselly tech support guys who thinks he's better than anybody who owns just one computer.

Unfortunately, my balls decided to leave me before writing the email, and out spewed the following, spineless, self-deprecating email:

Mat,

When I changed my password last week, I had little foresight and did not save it in my browser, and stupidly did not write it down anywhere. Since I have so many passwords, my tiny brain couldn’t keep this one contained. I know, I’m a moron, and shouldn’t be allowed near a computer. I know you are very important, very busy, and have 10 computers going at once, but if you can spare a minute of your hectic day, could you send me my password? I am so sorry for causing this inconvenience.

OK, so it didn’t have those exact words, but it was close. If I still had my balls, I would’ve simply said this:

Mat ,
Could you please send me my password?
Thanks.

Or:

Mat – I need my password ASAP.

Or even:

Mat…drank too much this weekend…forgot my password.
Thanks bro!

Or:

Mat,
Wild weekend…lost my wallet at a donkey show in Mexico. My password was in there.

Mr. Rooney Goes to the Bathroom

2010-03-12T08:10:00.003-06:00

Here is a never-before-seen Andy Rooney report on public bathrooms.

Ever been in one of these public bathrooms? It’s a big tiled room with sinks, urinals and stalls. Sometimes the urinals have nothing separating them, sometimes there’s a small partition in between. That partition never seems to be high enough. Most of the time you’re able to look over the partition and right down at the guy next to you, so why have the partition there at all? Most of these bathrooms have at least 2 stalls with doors where you can sit and do your business, but I’ve seen some stalls that don’t have doors at all. Why would a stall not have a door? Are they still called "stalls" if it doesn't have a door?

When I'm sitting in a stall, and someone's at the urinal, I try to guess the size of their penis by the sound their stream makes. I wonder if there is a connection between penis size and the heaviness of the stream. It makes sense to me that the bigger the penis, the bigger the hole, and the bigger the stream, but I can’t be sure.

And what about these automatic sinks? I put my hands under the faucet and nothing comes out, then I take them away and the water starts, but by the time I put my hands back under the faucet, the water stops. I just can’t time it right.

In my day, we didn’t worry about all these germs. I never heard of someone dying of urine germ infection. We just wiped our hands on our pants and went on with the day.

Groomzilla

2010-03-12T08:06:00.004-06:00

I’m pretty sure my balls are hanging out at the bridal shop. My controlling ways have gotten me in trouble again. Somehow, I’ve ended up being way more involved in planning our wedding than most men care to be, and the other day I ended up yelling at my fiancee, “Do you even want to get married?”

The details are not important. What is important is that I hop on my pink Hannah Montana-branded bicycle, ride over to the bridal shop, and pick up my balls! I’m off...

Good Morning

2010-03-12T07:25:00.002-06:00

This morning in line at the gas station, a woman in front of me searched her purse for a free coffee coupon, as I waited patiently behind her. The other employee peered through binoculars at a license plate. The woman finally found the coupon, handed it to the cashier, and then ordered a pack of smokes. When asked for her ID, she stated she only had a paper one, because her dog ate her actual license, to which the cashier said it’s usually her cat that does that sort of thing in her house.
So...yeah.

This Time I Mean It

2010-03-12T00:42:00.004-06:00

In the last couple of years, I have located my balls on occasion, even keeping them for months at a time. I've become so attached to them, I proposed to my lady on New Year's Day, and we're getting married this August.

One may ask, "Are you worried about losing your balls once you get married?" And I would tell one that I'm well aware of the stereotype that men lose their balls after marriage, but I am proud to say I lost my balls years before meeting my future wife...and found them...lost them...and found them again. I now know that keeping track of my balls will be a lifelong battle, whether I'm married or not. I'm not too naive to think that getting married again won’t have an impact on my balls, but I'm going to fight through it like I always have and keep reattaching those things. After all, the alternative is giving up, and letting my balls escape forever into the wild, and I'm positive they would not survived on their own.

Here's a photo of Art Garfunkel.
He's been married twice and has expressed regret in not marrying a third woman.

Our Neighbors Part 1: The Cancer Neighbor

2009-08-23T12:48:00.006-05:00

My lady and I live in a townhouse in the suburbs. Older folks who seem to hate us for our relative youth surround us. They scowl at us when they see us getting the mail. They frown at us when we start our grill. They ignore our courteous waves and half-assed smiles as our cars meet in our shared driveway. We make an effort and they seem set on not liking us.

THE CANCER NEIGHBOR

After starting the grill on our deck one afternoon, the neighbor that lives behind us walked over and said hi. I was excited as I peered down from my deck to this gray-haired beauty below. I was about to meet one of my neighbors, and I was positive she would like me. I could hardly handle my giddiness as she said, “Hi there, my name’s Marie. I’m your neighbor from behind you. I wish we didn’t have to meet like this, but…” And at this point, my giddiness turned to despair, as I am wise enough to know that the preface “I wish we didn’t have to meet like this,” meant bad news. She finished her sentence, “…your TV is really loud. My husband is dying of cancer. Can you please try to keep it down?”

I was of course friendly about it, acting as though I cared about her and her dying husband. “Oh, sure,” I said. “I didn’t realize it was so loud. We’ll keep it to a reasonable volume.” The fact that she tried to play the “dying of cancer” card, made me a little angry at the time, but I hid it well. Why would we care about her husband’s grave condition? What does that have to do with our loud TV? If you have a problem with our TV, just come and tell us to turn it down. I was pretty sour on her relating the two, especially when she spends 80% of the day out on her deck puffing on a heater and talking on her cordless landline telephone about how nifty it is that she can talk on the phone outside her house. When my mom was dying of cancer, at a much younger age than these folks are mind you, I could not have imagined using the “my mom is dying of cancer” card, although I am going to use the ”my mom died of cancer” card later in this story.

So after Marie told me to keep it down and that we, along with our loud TV and cancer were conspiring to kill her husband, I then asked her what time of day she notices the volume too loud. At night, afternoon, always? Her reaction was a bit puzzling, as she just stammered, “Um, eh, it’s just too loud.”

I reassured her we would keep it down, and told her my name and my lady’s name, after she asked, as if she cared what our names were. I certainly do not remember her name. Marie is just a name I made up for this little story.

A couple of weeks later, my lady and I were sitting on the couch watching TV and we could hear loud noises coming from our lovely neighbors. At which point I turned to my lady and said mockingly, “Turn your cancer down, it’s too loud!”

Now, before anybody gets angry, this is where I’m going to use the “my mom died of cancer” card. That and the fact that the Marie used her husband’s condition when telling us to be quieter, makes me feel good about my little joke. I’m ok with it. I felt bad at first, because we had our deck door open, and our deck backs up to their deck…so it is possible they could’ve heard me say it, but I’m going with the assumption they did not. Was it mean and childish? Sure, but Marie rubbed me the wrong way when she galloped over and said our TV was too loud for her cancer riddled husband. Just something about that…

So ends the story of our neighbor who is dying of cancer. Soon I will tell you about the other old woman who lives across the shared driveway. I’m pretty sure she’s running a homeless teen shelter, or an underage brothel. With her heart condition, I’m not sure how she can handle it.

When it's slow at work, we play with dolls...

2009-08-14T09:16:00.002-05:00

Enjoy

Troy & Gabriella

2009-08-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

I still can't believe Troy decided attend California to play basketball AND major in drama, just so he could be close to Gabriella! He is so romantic. I'm sure he could've played ball and been in drama at UA, but Cal. might just be a much needed change of scenery for Troy.

HD TV Rules

2009-08-10T12:05:00.002-05:00

I've fallen in love with HDTV.
Last winter, we bought a plasma TV, and I continue to be amazed at how great the HD picture. So now we watch more TV than we should, but I've always been a "do things more than I should" sort of guy, so I'm not too surprised.

Here's an example of a baseball game in HD. Notice the extra wide screen and clear picture.

Now here's the same game in standard definition...

Staff Meeting Chatter

2009-08-10T11:56:00.000-05:00

We had a staff meeting today, and as a female coworker of mine sat down next to me, the following conversation took place...I'm sure she thinks different of me now.

Me: Hi, how's it going?

Her: Good, how are you?

Me: Good, thanks. Wow, only 3 guys in here, and...ten women.

Her: Yeah...you're right. Why are you worried about that?

Me: I just like to know the count just in case something happens.

Model Robot or Robot Model?

2009-03-17T08:45:00.001-05:00

The Japanese are at it again. Creating cool stuff.

This time they made a robot who can imitate the movements of real fashion models. I know there's a joke in there somewhere.

Here's the robot/model

I was sort of expecting a little more when it came to the body. Maybe some fake flesh and a bikini, or even just some clothes. But what is that? Nice job on the face, no doubt, but it's 2009! What gives? Where the hell is my Sex-Bot? I thought we'd all have lifelike Sex-Bots by now, and I was pretty sure the Japanese would be the ones who would bring us Sex-Bots, but now I'm feeling like my dream may die with me.

Also, isn't she kind of young? Would you let your daughter model at that age? Neither would I, even if she was a robot.

Tiger vs. Dolphin

2009-03-12T13:20:00.001-05:00

At Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo, CA, a new exhibit opened last Thursday titled, Tiger vs. Dolphin. The following photo shows the customary pre-fight stare down and the dolphin's wry smile, of which the tiger says, "Gets my blood boiling!"

As for the actual fight, you would think they put the tiger into the water tank with the dolphin to begin the fight, but they actually take the dolphin out of the water and dump him on dry land next to the tiger. The tiger is undefeated so far.

Why would they pit a tiger against a dolphin? We asked that very question to the head zookeeper at Six Flags:

Zookeeper: We were trying to think of something nobody has ever seen. Something to capture people’s imagination. Imagine if you could see Babe Ruth face Roger Clemens? Or Walter Payton take on Barry Bonds in an arm wrestling match? How about Michael Jordan against Brett Favre in a no-holds-barred, full-contact pie-eating contest? I just like to think outside of the box, and let my imagination guide my immense talent, and pitting two great animals like this against each other, has always been a dream of mine.

Monday News Roundup

2009-03-09T15:50:00.004-05:00

Here's some crap that's been happening.

The Seattle Post-Intelligencer's publisher, the Hearst Corp., has decided to shut down the paper if no buyer comes forward by March 10. They do plan to continue as an online only publication. I work at a daily paper, and to see print editions disappearing is not a surprise, but still stirs up my mixed emotions. Lots of folks still love touching and reading the actual printed paper, but more and more, those people are going to die, and the newer generations could care less if they ever touch a printed paper. For people like me, and I hope to God you're not like me, who are in the middle area, not old enough to be die-hard print lovers, and not young enough to not have ever held a paper, we just have to get over it, and move on.

A new Japanese gadget makes it possible to change settings on your iPod by using facial expressions. Looks good to me.

In Paris, Indian designer Manish Arora paraded out his latest creation; Clothes to make you look like a kitty.

High School sophomore Macie Morse was born nearly blind, but underwent experimental stem-cell injection treatment in China, and now has her driver's license. I'm not a scientist, and do not claim to know much about this sort of research, but it seems to have a lot of promise, so why is it still experimental? Here's a link to the Stem Cell Research Blog. And if you're against stem cell research because of some high moral religious ground you're standing on? Then f**k off with 'ya.

It turns out horses actually do gallop regally in formation in the wild, as these horses did in Germany in February. And it was not for a Budweiser commercial.

In St. Felicien, which Google says is in Quebec, researches have been busy teaching polar bears to wave. It seems they are getting pretty close...

WAMB Investigative Report on Pistola Whipped

2009-03-05T11:05:00.001-06:00

There’s a new blog out there called Pistola Whipped Gets a Life. The lady-blogger who operates the blog recently called me out! Right after she gets all high and mighty about interviewing Salt-n-Pepa, she calls me out...

“…I think I'm in the lead for the Most Popular Blog contest (take that Midnight Toker)! All right, I gotta dip…”

The investigative team here at Where Are My Balls as uncovered some information about Salt-n-Pepa’s treatment by Pistola Whipped behind the scenes. The following is a transcript of Pistola Whipped on the phone, talking with her assistant, while she waited for Salt-n-Pepa to get on the line to begin the interview. She had no idea someone was recording…

Pistola Whipped: What is taking those lazy SOB’s so long? Do you think they’re having a 3-way with MC Hammer?

Assistant: What about Spinderella? Wouldn’t it be a 4-way?

Pistola Whipped: Come on, keep up, we’re just interviewing Salt & Pep today, no Spinderella, hence a 3-way, not a 4-way. Can you just stop trying to piss me off? I know you’re dumb, you don’t need to try to prove it every five minutes. I cannot wait to get out of here and get me a drink. Do you think the big one is super fat now? Jesus, what time is it? Those fucking ass-…

Pepa: Hello?

There you have it, a frightening look at how Pistola Whipped handles herself behind the scenes. She’s appears to be smug, crass, and mean.

We also have obtained a photo of Pistola Whipped when she was in grade school. It clearly shows a messed up child, who grew up into the nasty-mouthed Pistola Whipped.

(Pistola Whipped pictured in the front in blue)

Pistola Whipped, you need to clean up your act if you ever want to beat me.

Michelle Rodriguez Has a Dirty Mouth

2009-03-05T08:46:00.008-06:00

Recently a TMZ photog asked Michelle Rodriguez:

Photog: "How's the community service going?"
Rodriguez: "How's the cock sucking going, brother?"

TMZ says that she said "dick" sucking, but I watched the video, and I think she says "cock". It's hard because both words end in 'ck". Either way, I thought it was funny, but I’m a degenerate.

Go HERE to see the video on TMZ.

Celebrity Spotlight: Siegfried and Roy

2009-03-04T15:50:00.003-06:00

Today’s celebrity Spotlight shines on Siegfried & Roy.

A tiger almost killed one them a few years ago. Interestingly enough, the other one's favorite song is "Eye of the Tiger".

Here they are in their prime.

MidnightToker is Stalking on Facebook

2009-03-03T14:10:00.001-06:00

I had some down time at work this morning. Logically, I ended up looking on Facebook for a girl who had a big crush on me in high school. I never cared about her, never even talked to her, but I ended up at Facebook anyway. I guess deep down I'm worried that her life went off the tracks after graduation when she finally realized she couldn't have me. Her inability to have me probably shattered her whole existence, and I can only imagine she ended up in a mental institution eerily repeating my name.

I guess I could always go to a class reunion or one of the all-class bar parties and ask around, but I probably won’t. My school just had an all-school party last week that I did not attend. Of course, I did stalk my way onto Facebook in hopes someone had posted some tasty photos of the event. It was my lucky day. Someone, in fact, multiple someones, had posted photos of the night. Unfortunately, it was very unsatisfying. A lot of bald heads, and expanded waistlines; many people I barely knew, and even more I never wanted to know.

You know, I've learned something today. I’ve learned that no matter how much you try to forget your past, it may come back to you someday when you least expect it. I learned that not everybody is on Facebook. I learned that many of the people I went to high school with are now bald and/or fat, at least fatter and balder than I am, and that will help me sleep very well tonight, because, if I’m anything, I’m a vain jackass.

Tribute to Fashion: Mickey Rourke

2009-02-26T11:49:00.001-06:00

After seeing Mickey Rourke at the Academy Awards looking all pimpy in his white suit, I knew I needed to pay tribute to this great American.

It's not often, maybe once in a generation, that an icon like Mickey emerges. He's a bad-ass, who dresses like a bad-ass, acts like a bad-ass, and eats wimps like me for breakfast! When a time capsule is unearthed in the year 3000, he should be the face people see, the face of America!

Here's a look at the 2008 fashion of Mickey Rourke.

Oscar Rourke!

Silky Rourke!

Tea-totaling Rourke!

Mask in one hand, champagne to mask the pain in the other Rourke!

Thumbs up Rourke!

Cowboy Rourke!

Rourke says: "Yeah, I'm wearing this. Deal with it. It's really bright and blue, isn't it? I just came from your mama's house, she liked it."

you can shave the baby - Art Piece

2009-02-26T10:59:00.002-06:00

Even though it is an art piece, nothing can take away from this hairy baby's creepiness.

Why is the baby so hairy? When it was born, did the doctor accidentally drop the baby into a vat of toxic waste when it was born? Was it's mom born on the planet Hairtron? (My inner-voice: Yeah, you really nailed that one! Way to go, you're on fire today! Keep it up!)

My best guess is that the artist was super hairy as a baby, and maybe got ridiculed in school for being extra hairy. There's a fine line when it comes to school kids and hair. Have to little, and you get called baldy, have too much and you get called...hairy, I guess, or maybe Sasquatch. Either way, you gotta have just the right amount of hair to be accepted and left alone.

Click on the hairy baby to see it all blown up. (My inner-voice, again: Now it sounds like I taped firecrackers to the hairy baby and blew it up, but I'm really just talking about seeing the photo blown up to a bigger size...actually, blowing up a hairy baby doll doesn't sound like a half bad idea....)

Night of Jackman

2009-02-26T10:10:00.001-06:00

On Tuesday night I watched the Oscars. I recorded it on my DVR. Most people would say they TiVo’d it, but my DVR is not a TiVo brand, so I don’t really feel comfortable calling it a TiVo. My DVR would probably feel bad if I did that.

I’ve seen most of the nominated movies, but I am still a little apprehensive about Slumdog Millionaire. I feel like I’m the only one, but when I see clips and hear things about Slumdog, it doesn’t make me want to see it. What if I don’t like it? Does that mean I’m racist? I wouldn’t think so… I loved The Visitor, which has plenty of different skin colors.

Two minutes in to Host Hugh Jackman's opening song and dance number, I found myself forwarding the show in thirty-second increments until the opening number was finished. I was able to stomach some of the award presentations, and some of the speeches, and a funny skit with Seth Rogan and the guy from Spiderman.

After one particular commercial break, Jackman was standing there with his usual perma- smile, but there was something different. He wore a white tie, instead of black, and he also wore a corsage, so you knew there was going to be some singing. As Jackman began performing, I reached for the remote, but my hand froze, as I stared in wonderment at THE Sexiest-Man-Alive singing show tunes in high-def. Was it his white shirt and tie, or his flashy top hat? Was it his affable smile or maybe his plodding dance moves? By now, other dancers had joined Jackman, moving this way and that, singing snippets of musical numbers, new and old. At some point Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens joined the performance, as did Beyonce, who was showing a lot of skin. I like her. At this point, they were all singing different songs; it was a frenetic medley, going back and forth from one song to another, and back again. By the end they were trading line-for-line. When they finished, I thought, “Damn, that must’ve been hard to put together…pretty impressive performance…” I then blacked out when the demon possessing me left my body.

When I came to, I had to rewind the DVR a bit. I should have stayed passed out. Actors tried to read the teleprompter and be funny at the same time, Queen Latifah sang while they paid tribute to those who died in '08. Cuba Gooding tried to joke with Robert Downey Jr. about his role in Tropic Thunder to no avail, and Sarah Jessica Parker's boobies almost popped out of her dress. All-in-all, about as good as expected. Can't wait for next year!

Blog You Should Read: Miss Piggy Lunchbox

2009-02-23T17:28:00.005-06:00

Miss Piggy Lunchbox is a well-written blog consisting mostly of music reviews, with a little bit of Northwest-via-Midwest humor, sports, and politics thrown in. It's obvious that the writer is way smart, but he doesn't go out of his way to make his audience feel way dumb, despite the occasional inside joke and computer code gag. He also does a great job of not over-explaining himself, a sin that I am guilty of from time-to-time.

The thing that makes this blog excel, besides the well-crafted, meaty posts, are the reviews of older albums. It's not often you run across a recently written review of 15 year old album. It makes you think about older music in a new light, and gives you an itch to go back and listen to albums you may have forgotten about. His reviews run the spectrum from grunge to country; new releases to 20 year old gems.

In a recent post, he reviews Dolly Parton's 16 Biggest Hits. He gives it 4.5 out of 5 lunchboxes. Here is a small taste:

“Jolene” and “Two Doors Down” are amazing and the fact that they’re head and shoulders above most everything else here probably pushes some songs that would be mixers on lesser albums down to keeper status. But “9 To 5” is the Best Song Ever. Oh, you think you know it, I can hear the chorus playing in your head right now, but let me tell you that what is playing in your head is nowhere near what the song sounds like. Just go listen to it and tell me I’m wrong. As the bass pumps with heat that only funk and disco bands were hitting it with in 1980 and the typewriter clicks and dings as a percussive instrument, your head will start to bob. As Parton sings “Tumble out of bed, and I stumble to the kitchen/Pour myself a cup of ambition,” you will involuntarily audibly agree because, oh, you know it, Dolly. By the time her “blood starts pumping” and “out on the street the traffic starts jumping,” you will think that going to work in an office in 1980 as a woman was the best thing of all time because never has the glass ceiling sounded so f**king good.

It was a pleasure to read, and it inspired me do two things; write this review & look for my copy of Dolly's 16 Biggest Hits.

Here is a link for those who like links at the bottom of the post. Enjoy.

Miss Piggy Lunchbox

"We're Running Out Of Rich People In This Country" - Michele Bachmann

2009-02-21T12:05:00.003-06:00

I normally don't touch politics for a couple of reasons; I ain't be smart enough, and the other reason...is not really important, but I want to let everyone know that although Michele Bachmann is my representative, I did not vote for her, and I believe she's a complete nut job.

She's been all over the news again for her latest bit of lunacy. In case you haven't read about it, here & here are links to the latest story.

And here is a link to the Dump Michele Bachmann blog, just for fun.

That's it, I'm out of politics forever!

Humorous Hymen Anecdote

2009-02-17T10:03:00.010-06:00

Update: Apparently, I had some of the details wrong, so my sweetheart was kind enough to fill in the blanks...

The following conversation is between my sweetheart and her adorable mom:

Sweetheart: Hey mom. How's it going? How's sis?

Mom: I took her to the doctor Friday. Apparently she has mono. Now it's getting so bad her glands are swollen. You know how you have that hymen in the back of your throat? Her glands are so swollen she can feel her hymen.

Sweetheart: Mom...A hymen isn't in your throat.

Mom: Yes it is. You know, that thing that hangs down in the back of your throat.

Sweetheart:Mom, a hymen is the thing that used to be in your vagina. The thing in your throat is a uvula.

Mom: Are you sure? I thought I knew all of my medical terminology.

Sweetheart: I guess not mom. Medical school 25 years ago is much different than it is today.

Footnote: Both women were having this conversation at work, in cubical environments.

Cool Looking Urinal?

2009-02-13T14:26:00.004-06:00

This urinal is from a bar in NE Minneapolis called Stasius Place.
Besides having to touch elbows with someone when both sides are in use, and being way too easy to pee on your shoes, it's pretty cool.

Why am I Reading People.com?

2009-02-12T09:35:00.009-06:00

Not sure why, but I was reading an article on People.com about Amy Adams, the lovely actress from Junebug, and Doubt. The article was talking about her being portrayed in the press as pure and innocent. Then they drop a bombshell...they're making Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian. Yep, a sequel to Night at the Museum, staring Ben Stiller. That's confusing enough, but what Amy Adams says about her butt is even more confusing...please enjoy this excerpt from the article:

...She'll swap the Catholic nun robe she wore in Doubt for a pair of snug jodhpurs as Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum 2: Battle of the Smithsonian. "It's going to be an Amy Adams butt show," she says. "I was like, 'That's a lot of information.' I'm not known for showing my ass on camera, but there it is."

When I first read that, I thought - sweet, I'd love to see Amy Adams' butt, but then I thought about Night at the Museum and how it's a PG movie, mostly for kids...so why would she be showing her butt???

So then I finally re-read the article, and figured that jodhpurs might be key to my understanding what's going on, so I Googled the shit out of it, and finally learned that jodhpurs are those tight pants that jockey's wear. So now I know why it's going to be the Amy Adams butt show, but why did Amelia Earhart wear jodhpurs? Did all aviators wear them?

I do want to know, but now I'm too bored and lazy to Google it to find out for myself, so if anyone knows, please clue me in.

These are some lovely jodhpurs that you can buy at bcsaddlery.com

Groundhog Day Violence

2009-02-11T17:59:00.008-06:00

This Groundhog Day, in a stunning turn of events, Punxsutawney Phil was beaten within an inch of his life, then held up for all to see as a warning to other groundhogs.

His handler, Ben Hughes, had this to say when asked for a comment:
"Every year he gets a little more uppity, and this year he finally pushed us too far."

Under the Sofa With Some Whiskey

2009-02-11T17:08:00.005-06:00

Recently, a British man somehow got stuck under his sofa, and could not get up for 2 days, because of his back problems. He survived by sipping from a bottle of whiskey.

Let me see...2 days under a sofa...with a bottle of whiskey...
Four things come to mind:

Hell, I've done that voluntarily.
Is a sofa the same thing as a couch?
Sounds like my first honeymoon.
Sounds like a nice weekend.

That's it, that's all I got. Thanks for stopping by to read this nonsense.

Here's the entire story:

A BRITISH man survived more than two days trapped under his sofa by sipping from a bottle of whisky, it was reported today.

Joe Galliott fell against the sofa during a power cut at his home in Somerset, southwest England, and could not free himself because of back problems, the BBC reported.

He remained stuck for 60 hours in that position - during which time a bottle of whisky rolled close enough for him to open it - until a neighbour became concerned that Mr Galliott's curtains had not been drawn for two days.

"The whole settee tipped over catching me like a rat in a trap," the 65-year-old told the BBC.

"I took a sip of (the whisky) and thought, well this isn't too bad."

Mr Galliott, who spent five days in hospital recovering, admitted to becoming concerned after going so long without food or water: "It felt like a lifetime, you think you're there forever."

He told the broadcaster that he now kept a bottle of whisky next to the sofa "just in case".

Late Night Commercials Are Different

2009-02-05T09:29:00.010-06:00

I Saw this lady hawking her sexy wares on TV last night, luckily I had a camera near by...

I'm not saying she's not beautiful...just an odd choice to be on TV telling people to come down and get some sexy panties.

Maybe it's because she looks like my aunt Pearl, or maybe the organist from my childhood church. Yes, organist.

I'm happy to see a woman who looks like this on TV selling Gifts of Fantasy. Our society tends to look down upon people who buy/sell items such as these. We like to think that only "other" people are buying edible undies and ball gags to play with. We don't want to look in the mirror and realize that it's not just "dirty" people gettin' it on with plastic vaginas or sucking on 9" rubber phalluses (or maybe it should be Phalli). It's you and it's me. It's your mother and your father. It's the Mailman (or mail-chick), your teacher, your pilot, and especially your elected officials. People of the U.S.A., we are all sexual people, so let's get the sticks out of our asses, get naked, and get it on!

Give it up for the Fantasy Gifts Lady!

Waffles in the Back Seat

2009-01-27T09:07:00.003-06:00

I got into my sweetheart's car this last Saturday morning, and noticed a box of whole wheat frozen waffles in the back seat. I asked her to explain...
She explained that she brought the waffles to work Friday, and when she got home, she forgot them in the car. Fair enough, but then she explained her thinking to me:
"I'll just leave them in the car, so I'll have them for work on Monday, and if I want one this weekend, I'll just go down to the garage and get one."

She is awesome.

Super Bowl Nostalgia

2009-01-27T08:41:00.004-06:00

In January 1988, Chubby Checker performed at halftime of Super Bowl XXII. And he apparently borrowed a blouse from Diana Ross.

Top Ten Super Bowl Halftime Shows (SI Vault)

My Nephew Does The Sprinkler

2009-01-26T14:43:00.005-06:00

Earlier in the fall, my sister dropped by with my youngest nephews, and he demonstrated one of the dance techniques he's been working on...The Sprinkler.

I had a chance to catch up with my youngest nephew and ask him a few questions about his moves....

Midnight Toker: So, how did you learn to dance like that?

Youngest Nephew: Good question, and thanks for asking. When I was about 13 months old, I found an old record in the garage. It was a novelty album put out in the 80's by the WWF, the wrestling organization...or should I say WWE, since they were forced to change their name after a law suit, but I digress...The 1st song on the album is Land of a Thousand Dances, and it features all sorts of dances. I was curious about them, so I looked them up online. My whole life I had been looking for a purpose, and from the moment I researched all the different ways you can dance, I was hooked. I knew I'd be dancing the rest of my life.

Midnight Toker: Wow, that is quite a story, and an inspiring one. I hope other toddlers listen to what you have to say and let your words inspire them.

Youngest Nephew: I hope so too. If I can inspire just one little one to take up dancing, it'll all be worth while.

Midnight Toker: Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

Youngest Nephew: No. Go ahead, shoot.

Midnight Toker: Now, please be honest, did you poop your diaper?

Youngest Nephew: Yeah, so what, I haven't even started potty training yet.

Midnight Toker: OK, good to see you, little guy...Where's your mommy?...

Pet Names

2009-01-26T14:39:00.002-06:00

I enjoy using pet names for my lady. Like gal, babe, sweet-tits, etc, but it seems that for every gal who likes being called gal, there's a babe who hates being called gal, and would rather be called sweet-tits.

I think it would be very fascinating for someone to take a poll of some average sweethearts to see what nicknames they like and dislike...if I were not such a lazy man, I would be that someone, but here some of the nicknames I would ask those doll faces about:

How about lady? As in: Hey there lady, how was your day?
or babe? Hey babe, how was your day?
or baby? Hey baby, could you get me a beer?
or darling? Hey darling, could you get me another beer...with less lip this time!
or honey? Hey honey, do you know where my ball-gag is?
or sweetie? Hey sweetie, I think you dropped something, you better bend over to pick it up...

Wicked Sin

2009-01-26T14:34:00.002-06:00

OK, so almost 2 years after my estranged wife left me...and my divorce papers are finally filed with the court and I will officially be divorced within 2 weeks! I'm very happy about this.

Now, on to other matters...For over a year now, I've been living in wicked sin with my new lady friend, let's call her Lady. So I am simply ecstatic that soon I will only be living in just regular sin. Lady is also very happy. When I talked to her earlier, she had this to say, "I am very happy." Very well put, Lady.

Here's a horrendous drawing of Lady & I grilling in the suburbs:

Happy May Day!

2008-05-01T13:29:00.003-05:00

Someone shit on my friend's garage door. Here's a photo of it.

I am 100% against shitting on stranger's garages. Again, Happy May Day 2008!

Birds Get Up Early

2008-05-01T08:38:00.003-05:00

I'm lucky enough to have a bird living outside of my bedroom window. Every morning at approximately 5:30 AM, it starts to make its morning sounds, even on Saturday and Sunday. I know nothing about birds, but it's not the normal chirping bird, it has a weird warbling sound, very distinct, very loud, and very random.

LadyToker and I have a nickname for this bird: Fuck Face.

Overheard...In My Apartment

2008-04-28T18:20:00.000-05:00

Me: Do 'ya think Hitler liked blowjobs?

LadyToker: Yeah, I bet Hitler liked blowjobs.

Me: Do you think he needed to have violent weird sex?

LadyToker: I think it's safe to assume that the most evil man to ever live had a voracious appetite only fulfilled by sick and depraved activities.

Me: So you think the more evil someone is, the more sick their sex life is?

LadyToker: Well, maybe.

Me: I don't know, I can picture Hitler sidling up to Eva Braun on their bunker couch, and moving from one base to another, slowly and carefully until he enters her and makes sweet love to her right there on the bunker couch...conversely, I'm not sure I could see Gandhi goin' to town from behind on a big booty bitch, slapping her ass red. Can you picture either of those?

LadyToker: I'm going to sleep now.

Eating Twizzlers And Making Eye Contact

2008-04-28T16:55:00.000-05:00

Is it OK to make eye contact with a coworker while eating a Twizzler? Take it from me, it can be uncomfortable, and recently, after a coworker offered me some Twizzlers, I found myself eating it and making eye contact. It didn't last long. It felt wrong, so I averted my eyes.

I don't think it's a male/male thing either, no matter what combination you have, it can be uncomfortable wrapping you lips around a phallic food whilst making eye contact. Of course, unless you are trying to flirt with someone, then I say it's OK for women to do this, but never men.

Stealing From The Elderly

2008-04-21T13:39:00.006-05:00

Recently at my dad’s senior apartment complex, there was an incident where someone snuck in the front door, and proceeded to walk into someone’s unlocked apartment and steal some cash. After that, they decided to change the locks on the front and back doors and not give any family members keys, so we have to buzz every time we go visit. Which is fine, except that every time I go there, the little old ladies look at me like I’m going to rape them. They are all scared and very skeptical of anybody under 60 years of age.

Why do the family members need to be punished by not having keys, when the person who snuck in didn't have a key? So now they building has new locks, we all have to get buzzed in, the old ladies are afraid, and I'm sure some senile bat will accidentally let another petty thief in at some point. So what was the point of changing the locks, taking away the keys and making everyone scared? A simple memo to the residents reminding them not to let in strangers would've sufficed.

I’ve been going to this place twice a week for almost 3 years, and many of the ladies once knew me. But one thing about getting old, you forget shit, and evidentially every one of those old biddies has forgotten who I am, or they have decided to take out their frustration of not having any loved ones to visit them on other visitors. I am sick of going to visit my dad and having to justify my presence to a multitude of mature ladies.

Yesterday my dad would not answer his phone and some hag came to the door while I was trying to contact him to buzz me. I made eye contact and said hello and she hit me back with a cold stare and, “You know, I can’t let you in,” as she quickly shut the door behind her. Some old crone leaves her door unlocked and gets robbed, and now they are all scared for their lives. It just seems like an overreaction. After I finally got in, I walked up the stairs to my dad’s place on the second floor, and as I opened the stairway door, a lady, who has seen me there dozens of times, was there to greet me accusingly with, “Did you just come in the back door?” At this point, fed up with prying minds and eyes, I laughed, shook my head, grunted no, and then walked into my father’s apartment.

I realize I am being a little tough on these elderly ladies, but most of the men in the complex talk to me, know my name, open the door for me, etc. I also realize that being scared is a normal thing and Americans are really good at being scared, and old Americans are even better at it, but it really gets to me that I can’t go visit my seventy-year-old father without being questioned like I’m there to rape an old woman or steal the two dollar bill on their nightstand.

This Blog Sucks

2008-04-21T11:57:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry this blog sucks lately. The search for my balls has gone very well and I'm 99% sure I've found them, and that is the reason this blog sucks. But I am going to try to change that, so check back.
Here's an awful drawing of the touching reunion between me and my balls...

Empty Bottles and Kids

2008-04-17T13:16:00.006-05:00

I was parked outside a strip mall that has a Subway and a liquor store in it. Next to my car a sedan pulled up with 2 adult males and a 3 year old boy. The one man held the boy while the other man cleaned out the back seat of the car. Since there was a big garbage can in front of the liquor store, he thought he'd tidy up a bit. After reaching down in the back seat, his hands were full, and from my vantage point, I could for sure make out 2 empty Corona beer bottles and other misc trash. He tossed the open bottles, then escorted his friend with the boy into the liquor store. They purchased some booze, and got back into the car. The man with the boy got into the back seat where the boy sat on the man's lap. No car seat. No seat belts.

It was a perfect storm of wrongness and I'll be honest, it was fun to watch.
The following is my attempt to low-pro a photo of the 2 men. It didn't turn out so well.

Hillary Clinton's All-American Day

2008-04-16T14:53:00.004-05:00

Cross-eyed Hillary Clinton about to down a shot of whiskey in Indiana...

After the cameras stopped rolling, Hillary had a few more shots and a couple of Mojitos before climbing into the back of Jim's (the guy on the right) pickup truck. They rode for what felt like hours before finally pulling up to Jim's double wide. The caravan of cars that followed all parked on the brown lawn surrounding the trailer. The party that ensued was remembered by Hillary as, "...a blur of tight white undies, ecstasy, teabagging and gun cleaning. It was the most American day I've ever had and I think I picked up a few votes."

Best Photo Ever

2008-04-15T10:45:00.004-05:00

I can't find any information on this photo. Don't know when it's from or who it is, but I'm pretty sure you'll agree that it is awesome!

I Love Baseball

2008-04-11T17:45:00.000-05:00

Spring is in the air...One minute it's raining, the next it's sleeting, the next it's snowing, the next minute I'm in the corner of my room in the fetal position mumbling something about the Cookie Monster.

In honor of spring and baseball being underway, here is the baseball costume I'm purchasing for my girlfriend. I hope she likes it.

Russian Nipple Mystery

2008-04-11T17:41:00.000-05:00

Somewhere in Russia...

Men sit in a mobile sauna that is mounted on a four-wheel drive truck in a forest in Barnaul in the Altai region April 5, 2008. A local craftsman installed the Russian sauna, or banya, in the cabin of a four wheel-drive personnel carrier and said the rugged army vehicle can master almost any terrain.

This 1st photo shows the three men enjoying some beers outside of the sauna. Notice the 4 nipples on the guy sitting down, and his big knife...

Now the three men are inside the sauna and suspiciously, his 2 extra nipples are gone...

Spring Facial

2008-04-11T17:39:00.000-05:00

My surly coworker and I were having a nice conversation about spring...

Me: "It's spring, love is in the air. I can feel it coming."

Surly Coworker: "I can feel it coming too," as he mimes wiping off his face.

Stuffing The Mailbox

2008-04-09T15:31:00.002-05:00

This is photo of my latest Netflix movie that came in the mail. It was crammed into my small mailbox.

Baseball Cheerleaders?

2008-04-08T09:15:00.013-05:00

The Florida Marlins have a cheerleading squad called the Mermaids. Here are some photos...

Doug At The Movies

2008-04-08T08:50:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the very first installment of Doug at the Movies!

Doug loves the ladies and hasn't had too much time to see movies over the years. Now that he's getting older, he's taking the time to see some movies he's missed while out chasing tail. Please enjoy Doug's review of Failure To Launch starring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker.

Failure to Launch stars Matt McConaughey as a successful dude who still lives with his parents. They finally gets sick of it and hire Mrs. Parker to get him to move out.
This was a terrible movie! If you haven't seen it, don't. I actually started hoping Sarah Parker would get naked, just so I'd have something to look at, then I thought to myself, Jesus, why would I want to see her naked? I didn't enjoy one second of this movie, and after it was over, I put in Wild Things and cued it up to the three way scene to cleanse my palette.
If you are in the mood for a good romantic comedy, rent or download Chocolat starring Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp.
See you next time on Doug At The Movies!

Money + Low Self Esteem + Plastic Surgery =

2008-04-03T11:15:00.004-05:00

I'm not sure what it is, but I feel sorry for it.

I just found out it is Jocelyn Wildenstein.

8.5 Feet Of Ukrainian Meat

2008-03-25T09:38:00.008-05:00

While a photo of an 8-foot tall dude riding a bike with a normal size dude pushing him is pretty funny, we should really be concerned with why the Ukraine branded him with a scarlet "H", presumably standing for humongous.

Ukrainian veterinarian, Leonid Stadnik, 2.59 meter (8.5 feet) tall, the world's tallest living man according to the Guinness Book of Records, rides a bicycle specially made for him, in the village of Podoliantsy, Ukraine's northwestern Zhytomyr region, 212 kilometers (131.74 miles) west of the capital Kiev, Sunday, March 23, 2008. Stadnik's growth spurt started at age 14 after a brain operation apparently stimulated his pituitary gland. Stadnik, 37, is still growing up. (AP Photo/Efrem Lukatsky)

Conan the Chihuahua

2008-03-25T09:25:00.004-05:00

Here is a picture of a dog praying with a Buddhist Priest.

Click here to read more about Conan the praying dog.

Another Peeing Aid

2008-03-25T09:02:00.006-05:00

Here's another peeing ad for women. It is called My SweetPee.

You can purchase their reusable shield (blue) or disposable shield (pink). Now, with the reusable shield, you'll wanna make sure to get the citrus sanitizing cleanser.

Here's a little taste on how to use My SweetPee taken from mysweetpee.com:

You have a choice of two ways to STAND when using My SweetPee. You can either face the toilet or face away from the toilet. Both ways work well but our favorite is facing away from the toilet.

What is your favorite way of using My SweetPee? Facing the toilet or facing away from the toilet? I'll tell you one thing, the minute I get home, I'm going to try peeing facing away from the toilet...then I'm going to clean up the mess and watch a movie.

Jealousy And Crotch-Shots

2008-03-17T12:11:00.000-05:00

My friend's band played this weekend at the South By Southwest Music Festival in Austin, Texas. I have a healthy amount of jealousy running through my head that his band played there and my band did not, so to commemorate the SXSW Music Festival, I present to you this retrospective on using crotch shots on album covers. Enjoy!

First off, the original. Sticky Fingers by The Rolling Stones:
I know you all want to know, so no, it is not Mick Jagger's crotch, or any of the other Stones.

In 1981, Motley Crue copied the design of Sticky Fingers on their record Too Fast For Love:

Since then, there have been a plethora of crotches on album covers...

Amorica by The Black Crows

Heavy Metal Hits Compilation

Fat Boy SlimUp at the Crack by Boned

The Commodores
Almost crotch shots...
Jennifer Lopez

Hot Boogie Chillun

Men Can Play "Defense" Too

2008-03-07T16:06:00.004-06:00

Previously, I posted a photo of girls playing "defense" on the basketball court. To be fair, here is a photo from the NBA with some equally good "defense:

Degenerate Famous People

2008-03-06T15:34:00.011-06:00

Does who your favorite sports stars, music stars, or Hollywood stars are say anything about who you are?

My favorite boxer was Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson was convicted of rape in 1992 and served 3 years in prison. In 1997 he bit off part of Evander Holyfield's ear during a boxing match. Mike also bit the leg of Lennox Lewis during a pre-fight news conference in 2002.

My favorite baseball player growing up was Jose Canseco. admitted to being a steroid user and has ratted out numerous other other players for being users. He was Jose has accused of domestic violence by his first wife after he rammed his car into hers. He was also arrested after allegedly hitting his second wife.

My favorite musician growing up was Kurt Cobain of Nirvana. He was a heroin addict, and shot himself in the head.

I've come to the conclusion that liking these three degenerate celebrities says nothing about my personality.

Warning: Serious Death & Dying Post Ahead

2008-03-06T11:48:00.005-06:00

In high school, we were required to take a health class. They taught us about our bodies and reproduction, CPR, and such, but they never really touched on how our parents will one day shrivel up and die right in front of us, how we are going to feel about, what our responsibilities might be, and how to go on with our lives. And for those of us who love and rely on our parents, losing them is a painful, ugly thing.

I certainly wish I could've taken a class on how to prepare for my parents’ deaths. I drifted through high school, college and real life, never thinking about my parents dying until my mother got cancer and died when she was 57. It was a shock, I was not ready then, and I'm still not over it.

Recently, I was out at my dad's and we were watching an episode of Law & Order. He paused it and said, "Son, I'm guessing you don't really want to talk about this, but I want you to know what to do and where all of my important papers are for when I die..." He went on to tell me some specifics about what to do, who to contact, etc, when he dies. He's not imminently dying, but he is 70 years old, so I guess it is good that he told me, but he was also right when he guessed I didn't want to talk about it.

I wish I had been more prepared. I'm not sure if a class in H.S. would've helped, but it would not have hurt.

My Surly Coworker Likes Bones

2008-03-06T11:11:00.003-06:00

I got this email from my surly coworker yesterday:

Subject: You probably wonder why I carried this 1.5 miles down a frozen river through virgin snow....
Visions of beheaded dolls with bone bodies dancing in my head.
It's because I'm rad.

Do All Athletes Want To Win?

2008-03-06T08:55:00.010-06:00

I was listening to a Twins spring training game on the radio, and the announcers were talking about a young player, and one of them said, "...he wants to win." And I thought to myself, of course he wants to win. Doesn't everyone in sports, in varying degrees, want to win?

One would think most athletes would like to win, but I recently found an interview from the late 70's of an up-and-coming ballplayer named Bobby Knowwood. Here is an excerpt:

Sporting News: Bobby, how is it being in the Major Leagues for the fist time?

Bobby: It's great. The lifestyle, the hotels, the private airplanes, it's all great.

SN: How bad do you want to win this year?

Bobby: To tell you the truth, I don't really get caught up in wins and losses. I'm not too worried about that. I just want to go out there and put up great numbers.

SN: So you don't care if your team wins?

Bobby: Nah, that's not really my call. In fact, losing has its privileges. We get the entire month of October off, while some players have to play in the Playoffs & World Series. Plus, during the season, there's so much less pressure when you lose.

SN: I'll be honest, that view is pretty unorthodox. Are you sure you're not putting me on?

Bobby: Oh, no. Not even a little bit. I come from a long line of Knowwood losers. My grandfather was a fighter pilot in WWII. He has the record for losing the most dogfights. He lost nine of them in a three year period, but miraculously, he was able to punch out and survive all nine encounters, or as I say, losses. My father lost at baseball his entire life; t-ball, little league, high school and college. And my mother loses her keys all the fricken time.
SN: I see. Well, Bobby, thanks for taking the time to talk to me today and good luck in the upcoming season.

New Fashions From Paris

2008-02-28T11:46:00.003-06:00

This week in Paris, designers unveiled their fall/winter ready-to-wear collections. Here are some of the highlights:

We start off with a few cute numbers by Japanese designer Junya Watanabe. She seems to be into covering up women's faces.

With this one, Junya kicks it up a notch by covering every square inch of the face and neck. I wonder if you have to buy it all as one piece, or if you could just buy the head dress, because I'm not too fond of the jacket, but the black deal covering her head is a stunner. Ready-to-wear indeed!

Now with this one, she left the neck exposed, but she did hide a soccer ball in the head piece. Junya is one cagey son-of-a-bitch.

Next we have 2 pieces by Jeremy Scott. The first one here is great. I can't even count how many times I've walked into a place and saw drapes I wish I could wear.

Then he steps it up with the 'ol frame-head design. Let me just say, it's about time. There's already rumblings that next year Jeremy Scott will break out his long awaited Linoleum Collection.

This year in Paris there seemed to be a calling for large pieces on or about the head. And Martin Margiela did not disappoint...
Here is another Margiela creation, and again, it's super fucked up.

We finally move to Vivienne Westwood. We only get a small taste of the dress, but I'm pretty sure that's all we need. This is what I imagine someone might look like after they are abducted, kept hostage in a cage, then finally released 6 months later.

Don't worry, by the time these fashions make it to the United States, they will look more like this:

PETA Demonstration In Australia

2008-02-28T10:40:00.008-06:00

Yesterday there was a PETA Demonstration In Australia. Here are some photos:

Brazil's National Underwear Day

2008-02-28T10:14:00.005-06:00

Yesterday, Brazil celebrated National Underwear Day. Here are some photos:

Brazil - Brazil - Brazil - Brazil

And for all you straight women out there...

My Surly Coworker Again

2008-02-27T15:01:00.002-06:00

My surly coworker has a thing about the end of the world. He's not a religious freak who thinks God's going to end the world, he just thinks the end is coming, and he'll soon be up on his land in a gun tower protecting his booze with his shotgun.

He can be heard saying, "We're all gonna die" on any given day, so it wasn't too surprising when he broke out with, "Every morning I go outside, look around, and think, why aren't you all dead!"

Odd Peeing Aid

2008-02-26T11:45:00.001-06:00

I recently Stumbled across a site advertising a unique item for women. It is an item that allows women to pee standing up. Don't ask why I ran across it, I just did, but the point is; women can buy what basically amounts to a funnel so they can pee anywhere without sitting down. It's called the P-Mate.

On the P-StandingUp.com website, they ask three questions:

Have you ever found yourself in a dirty, unhygienic, port-a-potty?
Have you ever had a full bladder with no bathroom in sight?
Have you ever been afraid to pull down your pants to squat and pee and risk being seen?

So instead of just biting the bullet and sitting on a toilet seat, or putting some TP on the seat, then sitting, or even squatting in the woods with some leaves, women are suppose to, in the words of the company that produces the P-Mate...

Simply pop open the P-Mate and move your underwear aside. Place the cupped opening against your body, under the flow area between your legs.
Tilt hips so funnel faces slightly downwards.
Relax and pee.
Dispose of properly.

I am not a woman, never have been a woman, and plan on never being a woman, but I tend to find this product to be very ridiculous. If you are a woman and have used this item, or think you might find this item handy, please let me know. I am, in no way, trying to make light of the plight of women and public toilets, but the common sense side of me tells me that most women would agree with me about the ridiculousness of a tool like this.

It seems that some women have enjoyed the P-Mate. Here's one of the testimonials from P-StandingUp.com:

"I am a woman that hunts/fishes and have shared my backside with TOO MANY OTHERS. Thanks for restoring my dignity in the woods."

Here is what my friend Doug said about the item:

"Women, you will never have a penis. Get over it!"

If you are interested in the P-Mate, make sure to check out their web site. They have instructions, FAQ's and even a video explaining the product. I've got to hand it to them, they have a well thought out, informative web site.

Check out the P-Mate for yourself!

CNN And Baby Bumps

2008-02-26T08:55:00.012-06:00

I will admit that I'm a little naive about some things like the fact that I used to believe that CNN provided me with serious news when I needed such news...Until today, when I surfed over to CNN.com and found that one of the top stories under the Latest News header was, "Is Angelina showing off a baby bump?"
Right under "Rioters try to attack US consulate" and "Virus on cruise ship sickens dozens" we get speculation about Jolie's baby bump. The fact that they are reporting on one of America's most famous actresses/humanitarian doesn't get me too upset. More than that, it's the wording they employed. They couldn't have gone with, "Is Angelina pregnant?" Is that not sexy enough? Are they trying to hit the 15-20 demo? Are they trying to sound hip and/or from the streets? I'm hungry, I need a sandwich.

In review, this post makes me sound crotchety, old and out of touch. I'm fine with that. I just want the top news stories, not news on someone's "baby bump". I'm going to go sit in my rocking chair now, goodbye.

My First Interaction With A Human On Tuesday Morning

2008-02-26T08:29:00.004-06:00

First thing this morning a coworker I don't talk to very much bellowed over the cubical wall, "Hey, you know that song, Love Hurts?"

And I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Well, you know the line that goes, Love is like a flame / It burns you when it’s hot?"

I said, “Sure.”

He said, “Isn’t fire, by definition, hot? So why do they say, 'when it’s hot'? It doesn't make any sense."

And I said, "Yeah, well, you've got a point there, fire is always hot."

And he said, "I've just been wondering about that lately."

Somehow I Missed Nebraska

2008-02-25T16:26:00.011-06:00

So I visited this site where you can click on the States you've visited and then get a map showing the data in a pleasing map form, and somehow I visited every state around Nebraska, but not Nebraska itself. I wonder if I should even bother trying to Nebraska, or if I should just forget about Nebraska and try to keep that hole in the center of my map?

If you'd like to make a nifty map like this for yourself, click here.

I've been scouring the interwebs looking for a reason to visit Nebraska, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I need to visit the state. Here's what I found:

Carhenge - Alliance, NE - It is a replica of Stonehenge made with cars.
World's Largest Porch Swing - Hebron, NE - It's a swing and it's large.
World's Largest Time Capsule - Seward, NE - It's a time capsule and it's large.

OK, so I'm not going to rush to Nebraska based on those attractions. Do any of you know of something cool to see in Nebraska?

Priorities

2008-02-21T14:07:00.000-06:00

We (the U.S.) can shoot down a satellite orbiting 130 miles above the Earth at 17,000 miles per hour, but we don't have the technology to make a vending machine that will spit out a bag of chips without getting stuck.

We need to get our priorities straight. For reals.

NY Times article about the satellite

What's The Deal With This Publicity Photo?

2008-02-21T09:19:00.000-06:00

Seriously, what's the deal with this publicity photo? It's for a show on the BBC.

Is the guy on the left about to bust a cap? Or is he about to bring the pain? And the lady on the right; I'm pretty sure she's gonna be fighting crime or aliens or some shit, but she's not sure yet. I know what she is sure of; the guy in back is not Mark-Paul Gosselaar from Saved By The Bell. She knows now that he's not Mark-Paul Gosselaar, because after the first read-through for this show, she slept with him thinking he was Mark-Paul Gosselaar. She soon found out his real identity, and now she has feelings for the lead guy with the gun. She feels she deserves to be with the star of the show, not the 3rd supporting actor.

Model Of Maturity Part 3

2008-02-21T08:57:00.004-06:00

This is so dumb, but recently I stumbled across the Einstein Chalkboard Picture Creator. You can enter in any text and it will put it on the chalkboard as if Einstein himself was writing it. I decided to make Albert write about one of my coworkers:

Check out the Dynamic Eintstein Picture for yourself.

Worst Comeback Ever

2008-02-20T16:59:00.002-06:00

With unflinching humility, I present you with my worst comeback ever...

My Surly Coworker: "I will kill you."

Me: "I will murder you...back."

Jesus Light Switch

2008-02-20T16:33:00.004-06:00

"Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me."

I like to think that a company designed, produced and sold this light switch without thinking about what it would look like once the actual switch was inserted into the slot.

I also like to think that there are devout Christians out there with this very switch in use, with a delightful naiveté about how it looks.

I also like to pretend I'm a dragon and attack my girlfriend with my "talons."

Rant On Crappy Movies

2008-02-19T09:03:00.009-06:00

Why do we keep paying to see shitty movies? Oh, you say you don't go see shitty movies? Then let me start with a few numbers that say you do...

The Good:

There Will Be Blood

8.8 average IMDB.com user rating.
8 Academy Award Nominations.
Grossed $17 Million

Into The Wild

8.3 average IMDB.com user rating.
2 Academy Award Nominations.
Grossed $18 Million

Now the bad:

Fools Gold

4.6 average IMDB.com user rating.
Grossed $44 Million and counting.

Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins

2.6 average IMDB.com user rating.
Grossed $30 Million and counting.

In review; two of the highest rated movies of last year grossed $35 Million combined, and two of the most widely panned movies of the year have made over $74 Million and counting.

Why do we keep supporting Hollywood's output of these terrible movies? Why are people so hellbent on seeing Matt McConaughey without his shirt on, and Martin Lawrence's nuts getting whacked? I just don't know who is seeing these movies. Nobody I know will admit they've seen them. It makes me sad to see these sorts of numbers, because that means Hollywood will be rolling out more crap like Roscoe and Gold for us to consume. Fuck, I can't believe how mad this makes me...OK, now I'm fine.

I would like to leave you with an excerpt from a user review of Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins:

"...It was especially disappointing to see an actor of James Earl Jones' caliber in such a trashy movie. If you are looking for a movie experience with more uplifting than negative messages; then, Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins is not for you. Save your money for another trip to the movies."

Dog Eat Dog...Shit

2008-02-12T02:20:00.001-06:00

Today I have a short & true story contributed from a friend of mine:

For anybody who owns a dog (in my case two) you may be aware of some of the revolting habits they may have. That one where they eat their own shit is the worst to me. It’s disgusting and even talking about it is making me sick.

The other morning I was up at 4:30am (early work day). I let my dear dogs out to use the outdoor facilities. I was busy grabbing some food for lunch and I looked out the window to check up on them. What I saw was horrifying, so if you have a weak stomach, don’t read what happened next. One of my dogs was defecating, which dogs will do, but my other dog was eating the shit right as it was coming out of his ass. I was ready to vomit. Normally I would yell at them with various curse words, but it was 4:30 in the morning, neighbors were sleeping, and it was 15 below outside. What could I do, really? Nothing, but share this story with you.

Cats & Wind Chimes Revisited

2008-02-11T17:41:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, my boss Barb wore a necklace with a cat and a wind chime on it. I wrote in a previous entry about Barb’s blue sweatshirt with a cat & a wind chime, so here's what I'm wondering; if she wore the necklace and the sweatshirt together, would Martha Stewart have an orgasm? I bet she would, but we need not talk about such things.

I couldn't find a photo of a cat & wind chime necklace anywhere on the web, but I did find this, enjoy:

What Time Is It?

2008-02-07T14:17:00.001-06:00

I asked a friend of mine for the time the other day, and she said, "It's three quarters to the hour."
And I was like, "What?"
And she was like, "It's three quarters to."
And I fought the urge to slap her and said, "No. It's a quarter after."
And then she went on to explain that "three quarters to" and "quarter after" take the same amount of time to say.
Then I asked if she ever says, "Three quarters after the hour."
And she said, "Sure."
And then I rolled my eyes and fought that urge again.
She kept insisting that both ways take the same amount of time to say, but I disagreed and we ended up having a three fifths an hour long argument.

Blog Review

2008-02-07T14:02:00.001-06:00

I just received some awesome feedback on my blog from a female coworker. Here's what she had to say:

"I'd just like you to know that I read your blog and can no longer speak to you... because I'm scared. Deeply, fervently petrified for my female life." - A.J., Minneapolis, MN

Thanks for the feedback!

Another Creepy Old Ad - Suicidal Pig

2008-02-07T11:06:00.001-06:00

I know it's not that original, but I just get a real kick out of these vintage ads, and it's just good old fashioned, old-timey fun.

Here we have a lovely ad for sausage. It's pretty self-explanatory, even though it's in French. The damn pig is butchering itself. Why would that make people want to eat sausage? Actually, the more I look at it, the more I do want a nice plump sausage.

Here is what the ad roughly reads:

One eats with pleasure and without tiredness.
Sausage from Auvergne
Purity
Food
Absolute
Good sausages of the COCHEN SPENDTHRIFT!

100th Post!

2008-02-07T08:58:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if anybody is going to care, but this is my 100th Post since starting this blog.

In light of this huge event in my life, I thought I'd make this post extra super duper special by sharing with you some silly stories and/or tidbits from my past that helped shape who I am today, and therefore, this blog.

When I was 12, my mom waited in line with me at Great American Music to get Motley Crue tickets. As a result, I missed the first 2 hours of school. My mom forgot to write me a note about why I was late and when I was called into the VP's office, he asked me why I was late. I told him that my mom and I were waiting in line for Motley Crue tickets. He thought I was lying and sentenced me to 2 days of detention. Remember kids, the truth will send you to detention.
When I was in the 8th grade, I inadvertently found out that my science teacher and my English teacher were having an elicit affair. At least that was my inference...I was running down the hallway between classes, and my English teacher told me to slow down. I stopped and told him to "cool out". That's when my science teacher, who overheard the comment, stormed towards me, grabbed me by my shirt and slammed me against the lockers. She demanded that I apologize to my English teacher at once. She was so angry, and adamant that I apologize, that I could only come to one conclusion; they were fucking.
When I was 14, and my best friend was 15, we played in a Poison cover band. One day we were practicing in my parents' basement and we decided to see exactly how loud his guitar amp would go. We set the amp on the driveway, and while one of us put the volume dial on 10 and played, the other one got on a bike and pedaled down the street to see how far it carried. It was very loud, and we could hear it all the way down the block, but as we neared the end of our experiment, a police car pulled into the driveway. We only got a warning, but it was a stern one.
When I was around 10 years old, some dude flashed my sister and I from his car. There was a whole big deal with cops and shit. I don't remember much about it, but maybe that's why I like to flash so much...
One time, my dad got super pissed off at me and tore down my Rocky poster in a fit of rage. I tried to tape it together, but it was never the same. (I totally deserved his wrath, trust me)
My best friend and I once encouraged a kid to put gasoline on his brand new leather gloves in order to get out a tiny paint stain. From then on, those tan leather gloves never smelled of anything other than gas.
Here is a photo of my family on vacation in the Ozark Mountains. We are the 4 peeps on the left, and on the right, are some strangers. It's one of those photos that is taken professionally by the attraction you are visiting, and for some reason they couldn't take a photo of each family, we all had to pose together. I'm the little boy in the pimp pants being held by mommy...

Thanks for walking down memory lane with me, and enduring my gratuitous use of bold type. I love you all very much. Well, not you, George.

My Surly Coworker

2008-02-06T19:08:00.000-06:00

I have this male friend/coworker that I sit next to at work. I like to think of him as my work spouse. Here are some things he's said to me:

"Don't poop where I poop, go to your secret pooping place."

"I've got a kink only you can work out."

"You're a strange man, and I don't mean that in a good way."

"It's only a short matter of time until we die."

"You are my taco-faced love."

After telling me about the old shotgun his step-father gave him:
"You never know when something's gonna need killin'."

"I just want you to hurt."

Model of Maturity Part 2

2008-02-05T11:18:00.000-06:00

Let me share with you a quick, but stupid story of my maturity, or lack of.

It was a slow day at work and the snow had been lightly falling most of the day. Around 7PM, I went out back to have a smoke and saw the snow had stopped. I saw a car parked on the street with a handicap placard where a coworker with a bad knee usually parked. It had a clean, smooth, fresh coating of snow, so of course I drew a huge phallus on the window. I was very proud of myself. I left work before he did, so I didn't have a chance to see his reaction.

The next day, I was having a smoke out back before starting my shift, and I saw the same car pull up with the handicap placard, but it wasn't him, it was some lady I had never seen before. I nodded hello as she walked by me as I realized that I had drawn a phallus on some random woman's car window.

I felt bad, but kept it all inside, until now. Wanna know what else I have inside? No, you don't.

Here is a horrible rendering of the car in question:

Breaking Down Super Bowl XLII

2008-02-04T18:22:00.000-06:00

It was a great Super Bowl...

What Does Emo-Clown Say?

2008-02-04T14:52:00.000-06:00

Emo-Clown says, "I'm sad because I tried to cut myself, but all my knives are crazy-rubber-clown knives."

Commentary on Society

2008-02-04T13:53:00.000-06:00

The other day, I saw a baby bib on the sidewalk outside of work. It was abandoned, lost and forgotten. It was laying there shouting out to me to take its photo and tell its story.

This is not just an abandoned bib, it is a medaphor for life, relationships, babies, families and death. It speaks to me and the world on a level sometimes hard to understand, and other times, a little too scary to understand...

Just kidding y'all! It's a fucking abandoned bib and it looked weird laying there all flat on the sidewalk and I snapped a photo. Isn't it neat. But what if...what if I were to be as serious as the above paragraph? I'll tell you what if; I'd kick my own ass. Badly. I'd beat my face until my teeth were embedded into my cheeks. It would be ugly.

Why don't we all take this opportunity to laugh and to help those who take life too seriously to settle the heck down, and to laugh at yourself, or at least laugh at your siblings, or your spouse, or your girlfriend or boyfriend or your boss, or maybe your imaginary friend, or even your creepy little dolls you keep lined up on the couch to keep you company.

Bye now.

It's Nice To Have A Girl Around The House

2008-02-04T12:34:00.000-06:00

Especially in the winter, when you have lots of snow and mud to wipe off.

My feeble little mind cannot figure out what this vintage ad is saying. It appears that it's for Leggs, which I do believe is a pantyhose maker, or something of that ilk. So I guess the message is, "It's nice to have a girl around the house" in pantyhose so you can put her in a tiger costume and step on her like a rug. Pretty sick fetish if you ask me. I guess I'm in the minority in thinking women are humans just like men. Maybe they aren't...

If any of you all have a good interpretation of this ad, please let me know.

Creepy Old Advertisement

2008-01-31T12:21:00.000-06:00

So this is pretty creepy...

I'm Pretty Sure Jack Knows Where His Balls Are

2008-01-31T09:52:00.001-06:00

Check out this photo of all-time bad-ass Jack Nicholson being asked to sign a photo of himself as the Joker after being told about Heath Ledger's death.

I bet he's used his palm as an ashtray before.

Jack knows where his balls are at all times. He never leaves them behind and he never needs help finding them. Mr. Nicholson, I applaud you. You inspire me and scare the shit out of me at the same time.

I Live In The Hood

2008-01-31T08:51:00.000-06:00

I came out to go to work this morning, the temperature was about 3 below zero. I saw that one of my tires was about 80% flat. I drove to the gas station nearest my house, and looked up to the coin slot where I would normally deposit my 75 cents for air and the whole thing was gone. The wires that connected to it were dangling down, taunting me.

I next drove the 2nd nearest gas station, and quickly put my quarters in the slot and heard the air compressor start to hum. I grabbed the hose and saw the end of the hose was missing. Someone had cut off the end, so there was no way to insert the air into my airless tire.

At that point, I had to go to work, so I drove the rest of the way to work, parked my broke-ass car, and grumpily wandered into work, knowing that I'd have to deal with that damn tire at the end of the day.

Is that what I get for living in the inner-city? I mean, it's not New York or East LA, it's South Minne-frickin-apolis! And I couldn't even put air in my tire because vandals had been out fucking up all the local air stations. Whatever, I'll get some Fix-A-Flat and inflate that bitch, then go to Bobby & Steve's where the air always works, because if someone tried to do anything to their air station, Bobby would come out and hold him down, while Steve kicked his teeth down his throat.

Lube It Up - Winter In Minneapolis

2008-01-30T13:42:00.001-06:00

Today we have a guest blogger, Pistola Whipped, who has been kind enough to share her story about trying to get to work this morning.

So, today, on the coldest day so far this year, I dropped my car off at the Metro Auto Clinic, a mere five blocks from work. The attendant said, 'Stay warm out there,' laughing and smiling like he said the funniest thing in the world. Oddly enough, I returned the obvious Minnesota weather joke, 'It's so cold out…it hurts'. He countered, still grinning like he had a tire jack sprung tightly in between his jaws, 'Ya know, they say if you think it's cold out it'll hurt worse, but if you think it's not cold out than IT STILL HURTS!' This sent him into such a state of hysterics I think the steel in his boots even bended a bit. I gave him a cursory chuckle wondering when he was going to offer a courtesy ride to work. Evidently they only reserve that sort of nicety when it's a pleasant 70 degrees and sunny because no such offer came my way today. We finished up our business and I wandered off into the cold, thinking that had to be one of the stupidest conversations to ever take place between two human beings IN THE UNIVERSE! Luckily, it annoyed me enough to make my blood boil and not freeze in mid-step on my lousy way to work. All the while, the wind blew at my back causing me to weave between the ice-topped snow banks lining the sidewalks. Each step caused me to do a half-turn, where I could view oncoming motorists, their hair blowing wildly from the forced heat flowing freely from the car vents. My face repeatedly froze into different vowel shapes as I cursed every swear word I've ever known. I wove my way to the intersection I cross to get to work. It’s a real humdinger at Hoover Street and East Hennepin. East Hennepin being the main thoroughfare to Highway 280, the stoplight stays green about 15 seconds for the Hoover Street crosswalk, naturally the crosswalk I needed to use. Fortunately, I approached the intersection as the East Hennepin light was working its way through yellow. I was about to charge through, when a Metro Transit Bus blew through the red light, sending up such a blast of dirty, cold air that I think I entered simultaneously into stage four lung cancer and advanced hypothermia. After the initial shock settled, I turned my fury onto the city of Minneapolis for training their bus drivers to push through yellow-red lights. Thus ensuring that 40 or so people make it to work in a timely manner instead of one lone pedestrian trying to figure out if a whopping traumatic brain injury or a congenital death wish was the reason I lived in this cursed state anyway.

Thanks to Pistola Whipped for contributing this story of winter in Minneapolis.

The Dangers of Drinking and Taking Photos

2008-01-29T10:47:00.000-06:00

There seems to be a disturbing trend in high schools across the U.S. of teens posting drunk photos of each other on Facebook.com. Most people are concerned with the obvious problem of teens drinking. I imagine a lot of the parents are going with the, "You want to end up like Hasselhoff?" argument to get them to stop drinking, but I believe they should think about it a different way. They already know their kid is a hopeless teen drunk, so why not talk to them about why the hell they posted photos of themselves drinking online?

The parents need to sit their kids down and explain to them the process of covering up illegal and/or immoral activities, especially during the teen years. The kids that nobody thinks are drinking are probably the biggest lushes, but they are smart enough to not take photos of themselves partying it up. They know the ins and outs of playing it cool and these Facebook kids need to learn this skill and learn it quickly.

Here's a little bit of what I'm thinking about:

Parent: "Son, we know you've been drinking. We, your principle, and the world saw the photos online. We want your camera. Hand it over young man! We are really disappointed in your cavalier attitude about cameras. It's about time you understand how to be a man, no more photos for you."

Stupid Teen Photographer: "Awe, come on, you can't take my camera away. Every kid has a camera. The other kids will make fun of me."

Parent: "Sorry son, you had your chance. Your mother and I are very sad that it has come to this, but we just don't think you are responsible enough to handle a camera. Someday, you will be, but not right now."

Stupid Teen Photographer: "Fine, but I'm never going to forgive you for this..."

Parent: "It's for the best and someday you will see."

I realize teens want their friends and others to see how "cool" they are, but at what expense? If they feel the need to do some serious drinking, for god sakes, don't post photos of it online for the world, and their principle, to see. Parents, please explain this to your kids. I'm sick of reading about them being suspended for posting drunk photos online. And Facebook.com does not need anymore publicity.

Read about the latest Stupid Teen Photographers from Minnesota at StarTribune.com

What Does The Creepy Clown Say?

2008-01-28T18:53:00.000-06:00

What was Creepy Clown saying right before donning the creepy clown smile? My guess is, "There is a good chance I will rape you later."

Model of Maturity Episode 1

2008-01-28T16:28:00.001-06:00

Did I write "I Love Caulk" on my friend's car? Yes.
Am I proud of myself? Yes.

Strange Places to Have Sex II (Not In The Butt)

2008-01-28T00:34:00.000-06:00

And finally, the responses from my friends when they were asked, "Where is the strangest place you have had sex?" (The names are fake, but responses are 100% real)

Jimmy: "On the rectory lawn of my local parish (not with the priest)"

Suzanne: "I was 17 and my boyfriend had an exchange student living with his family, and his family was pretty strict at the time. He could only sneak away for a short time, so we walked down to the park at like 10 at night and did it on one of those wooden play sets. I'm sure tons of people saw. He was home by 10:30."

Sandy: "Honestly, probably on the couch."

Michael: "The stairway in a hotel. And the roof of a parking garage."

Heather: "On the front lawn at a friends house."

Aaron: "In the kitchen, on the counter."

Kristina: "At my in-laws, on my mother-in-law's sewing table."

MidnightToker: "Multiple times at work in the conference center. And in the parking lot at work."

So in conclusion, what did we learn from this informal poll? Not too much. Maybe we've learned that it's OK if you haven't had sex on the top of a water tower or in a jail cell. It's OK if you haven't crashed your car whilst receiving a handy. It's OK if you haven't brought a bottle of cheap wine, a video camera, and a girl to the roof of your apartment building to "see the stars." But is it OK to ask your friends about the weirdest place they've had sex just so you can write a blog entry about it?...